On Trust and Having Fun

So, I've never really been the one my friends call if they're looking to have fun.  I suspect my inability to have fun correlates directly with my lack of invites. I suppose it's because I'm always the one reminding everyone we might get in trouble, and for goodness sake, someone could get hurt (spoken in my best Grandma Doris tone).

I've been given many illustrations over the last few weeks, some funny and some just down-right beautiful.

Illustration #1 (funny):  So, Julia, my 11-year-old daughter tells me the following story:  Mom, this is hilarious.  You know how Steve said in his sermon about having fun driving in the snow?!  (Um, yeah.) So, we're driving home (in a snowstorm) and Steve does a doughnut right in front of a horse and buggy-to scare them.  (She's laughing and thinks it's the best thing ever.)  I was like, oh my word, were you scared?! Her answer was the kicker of the whole story...No, Nancy and I were just looking at each other and laughing.   Screeechhh, halt, stop this story...Picture this:   a pastor, doing doughnuts with his 70 some year old mama and an 11 year old, whose mama is scared-to-death of driving in the snow from home to Weis.  The whole thing just cracked me up.  It's one reason I appreciate Steve-he pushes the envelope all the time-and reminds me to "lighten up and live a little".  I'm not always certain if he's having too much fun to realize it or if he's doing it on purpose.

Illustration #2 (funny):  So, my 13 year old son, learned an incredibly fun, eh hemm, game from his youth leader.  Apparently, the point of the game is put your nose on as many unsuspecting people as you can, while in a crowd.  Only a boy could think of this-for real.  So he tells me the story of he and his friends doing this while at the Christkindl market. Apparently there was a group of Mennonite girls, and my son put  his nose on every.single.one of these unsuspecting ladies.  So, I know we should definitely talk about his choice of gender and age, but anywhoo...to him, this is just so fun.  I asked him, what do you do if someone knows you've done this?  He came up with some ridiculous answer, almost as ridiculous as the game.

Illustration #3 (hmmm):  We had the most beautiful snow yesterday.  It was just a good day.  We visited the market, the kids played in the snow, and in the evening we walked (more like trudged and I was about half-crying because the snow was blowing in our faces-think of the beginning scenes of the movie, Christmas Vacation when they're going to get their tree) to the administrative building in town to let the kids sled ride.  Ana and I returned home earlier than everyone else because she was cold.  And Jim returned Gabriel to us about an hour later while Jim and Julia walked our niece home.  After returning, Jim tells me that he carried Julia the whole way home on his shoulders.  I'm like, huh?-on your shoulders?!  For one, Julia is 11.  For another, I'm picturing myself climbing up on someones shoulders, trusting them to walk me 3 blocks in the snow, while I just enjoy the ride, uh, no thank you.  ....

...so I'm reading in Matthew this morning and the Lord illuminates this verse, "Whoever humbles himself like this child is greatest in the kingdom of heaven".  Immediately, the Lord started bringing to mind the incidents above, one by one, showing me how each child in each story trusted the leader; whether it be the driver, the youth leader, or the father.  It was apparent that each child had fun.

In my own life, it's been hard to trust because trust was broken when I was a small child, abused for years by someone who was supposed to protect me and love me.  People have walked in and out of my life several times.

I know I'm not alone in this.
I know, too, that I'm not alone in finding it difficult to TRUST.

All of us have had people walk out, betray us, say mean and untrue things about us.  Parents have divorced, husbands have walked out, children have disowned, friends have un-friended.  Each one of us have hurt others and been hurt by others.

But God.

He is a loving Father who promises to "Always be with us".  Always.
He is the only one who is perfectly trust-worthy.

Do we understand and believe the steadfastness of God?
Do we understand and believe His promise that He will never leave?
Do we understand and believe that He is a loving Father, who delights in putting us on His shoulders?

If I really believed this, I think I'd enjoy the moments of life a whole lot more.

Praying to learn to TRUST more deeply, to have fun with my Father.

So thankful for the people the Lord has put in our lives as illustrations of learning to TRUST HIM.

No Higher Calling

Like Luke wrote to Theophilus, I write to my small group leader:

November 2, 2013

Dear Jen~

Your direct question beckons a direct answer:  My allegiance is with Christ. 

I renounce, that is, publicly declare, that I love Him more than “all these”.

Yet, I know only He sees perfectly and is greater than my heart as He says, so I declare  this knowing that He may yet reveal places of my heart that are divided and do not yet fear him.  It is with regret that I must say, until I see Him face to face, “Perfectly, No; Increasingly, Yes.

Though it’s a direct answer to your question, the path to get here as been anything but.

Several God-fearing women would challenge me over the last few years when they saw discontentment and restlessness well up in my heart.  Steve would challenge status-quo through His preaching and push me to further search in God’s Word for what God was saying.  God would one day speak directly to my heart in an authoritative and loving way that He would not “lose me” to a cause and that I am to Proclaim Christ, not Promote Him.  In the last several months, my husband has prayed that I would seek “no higher calling than that in His Word”.  I didn’t know it at the time, but my husband was calling upon the name of the Lord to grant me a deeper oneness with the Lord and contentment.  As he prayed over me time and time again, the Lord did a work in my heart.  I can assuredly say that God’s glory is our deepest satisfaction. 

Beginning with the Basics class at Freedom, I learned God’s priorities for my life, as laid out in His Word.  I learned that first and foremost, God works in my heart.  My job is lay low and listen.  The cultivated and softened soil of my own heart and my increasing willingness to surrender control, would make ready a place for God to work in my marriage, which in turn would create more cultivated land in which God could work in our children’s hearts.

 

I now understand more clearly how the family is an imprint of the Trinity.  I see now how the family unit works together, although people do it imperfectly, to proclaim who Christ is and the Gospel to the lost, within the framework of the Church.  All this by just being individuals who love Jesus and having people into our home to see how this works together.

 

There have been many times I’ve been deceived into thinking, by my own heart and listening to others, there is some “other calling” for me than being a daughter, wife, mother, and disciple maker within His church.  I now see the beauty of the church, the power of the church, God’s plan for the church, more clearly.  Christ promises to build one thing:  His church. Through the church, He gives elders to lead and protect, the proclaimed word, people to lead us in worshiping Him, groups that minister-small groups, children’s groups, etc.  God’s plan to make disciples is the Church.  His plan is clear, orderly and purposeful, not confusing, disorganized, and haphazard.   

God has taught me to get low and put others on my shoulders, so we can reach higher collectively as a church.  This means dying to self-what I want, what I think I need. It means pushing others out in my “area of giftedness” and stepping back to see God’s glory in His church.  It means taking the lowest place and loving to be last-serving others. It means forgiving others.  It means encouraging other women to die to self and live in Christ, love their husbands, children, and any others God gives.  I know God is a generational God, not a God who desires to see this generation accomplish it all.  And especially He doesn’t see ME as needing to accomplish His plan on earth alone.

Truly Jen, there is no higher calling than that in His Word.  And there is no other plan than that of His Church. 

I know this is a lot to say, but again your direct question, elicited this response that’s been stirring in my heart for some time.

So thankful for you, dear one.

~Ang

Disciple Making-children-day 1

Reading through the bible w/ A and G-day 1, continuing to disciple C and J....learning to disciple my children.
*Didn't expect God's grace to pour and pour and pour-

*After reading about the light and darkness on the first day of creation, Gabriel went and got his puzzle that has the shape of a sun and moon on it.  Specifically told me to use "this" to tell him and Ana the story-blown away!
*Ana asked what "multiplied" meant when we read about the plants and God multiplying the earth with the plants.  I told her how God multiplies the plants and people.
*I wrote Gabriel's verse on contentment in our prayer journal. Then asked Ana what hers was:  "babies and babies in my belly".  She explained that she wants God to put a baby in her belly.  Told her she needed a husband.  She said she has Gabriel.
*Julia and I read "True Woman" book given by Kathy W.  Today we reread the story about the "moon reflecting the sun" and Psalm 19:1
*Jim pulled Rom. 5:1-5 out for us today.  Jules read aloud while Cole coughed down medicine.  We were precisely at the word "endure" at that moment-he said, "Oh, I know what it means to endure."  meaning the medicine was awful.

Love you, God.  Thank you for your grace.
~A.

When You're Misunderstood and Hated

Being misunderstood is probably one of the top three things I have struggled with in relationships.  Frustration  sets in when my actions have spoken to others that I don't appreciate or love them, especially when I'm trying to communicate how much I love them.  My children-case in point.  Many times I'm trying to keep them safe when they think I'm being overprotective (sometimes I am being overprotective-too many times, actually).  Many times I have to say things to my children that they really don't want to hear.   Many times I am misunderstood by my children, but I must stick-to-my-guns, for their sake, because I love them.

The thing is, I've come to expect to be misunderstood by my children, and I'm okay with it.  However, it's not been as easy for me to learn that I will be misunderstood and hated if I follow Jesus. 

My love of people causes me to stumble over this truth.  And more than that, my love of self, my reputation.
Jesus promised that a follower of Him will be excluded and reviled.  He promised that people will not only speak poorly of those who follow Him, but they will be hated.

You will be hated by all for my name's sake. Lk. 21:17

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. John 15:19

Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man!  Rejoice in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven, for so their fathers did to the prophets. Lk. 6:22, 23

Woe to you, when all people speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets. Lk. 6:26

I shouldn't have been blind-sided by this.  It's even my kids' verse for the day, chosen by their father, for crying out loud.   Jesus said to anyone who would follow Him:

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 16:24-26)

Why has this been difficult to learn?
Perhaps because it's easier to accept hard Truths when they're somewhere "out there" when you're not the one being persecuted.
Perhaps it's easier to pray for a sister who's being hated than it is to believe Truth for yourself.
Perhaps because I thought I would be hated when I did stupid things, spoke harsh words, etc.

But the truth is, 
we're hated when we follow Jesus....  
When we surrender to and obey Him.  
That's when we're hated the most.

To know Truth is to be set free.  Praying this truth, for us as Christian women, will settle deep in our souls, The fear of man lays a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. (Prv. 29:25) and we Fear God and not anything that is frightening. (1 Peter 3:6).

Trusting in this promise, that even if we suffer for righteousness sake, we will be blessed, that we are to have no fear of man or be troubled. (1 Peter 2:17 and 3:14)

I pray Father, that we will in our hearts honor you as holy, that we will always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks for a reason for that hope that is in us, and may we do it with gentleness and respect.  Thank you, Lord, for showing us how to suffer well, and the only way to stand and persevere is in Christ alone.  

Totally Normal, Right?

My mom has said many times that I should write a book about our every day happenings.  And, it would have to be labeled as fiction because no one would believe half the stuff that goes on here.  It's also therapeutic for me to laugh and write this stuff down, 'cause if I don't it can make me want to explode.

So, here's a rundown of the week:

#1 I'm sure my neighbors have decided I'm certifibly nuts.  As I was Shop-Vacing the yard today (yes, you read correctly) I look over to see my neighbor Russ, slapping his knee and laughing uncontrollably.  Why, you ask?  Well, yesterday was "Twash Day" (Ana dialect) here at the Laubachs.  (Guess the shredded paper should have been taken directly to the recycling bin.)

#2  I've babysat Big Boy on more than one occasion this week.  We decided that "Big Boy" bears an eery resemblance to G. when he came home.   

#3 We had a fruit fly invasion.  If you've never had one, you can't fully appreciate the following photo.  If you have, you will rejoice along w/ me. We only have a few left. Victory is mineeee!!!!Muwaaaahahh.

And then there was the cleaning of the trampoline-twice!  First was lot and lots and lots of dirt and second was cocoa powder.  Prior to that it was Old Bay seasoning.  

Not to mention needing to clean oil out of the wagon and yard. 

Gabriel was playing mail carrier today and threw a paper over the fence to both of our neighbors.

I was helping G. correctly pronounce his "v"s when I realized the little rat was laughing at me.  Apparently, he thought my face was hilarious as I overemphasized the "v" sound.

I suppose it's not all that different than other families in this season of life.  Right?

When You Just Want to Be on Your Own and the Pursuit of the Father~lessons from horse camp

It was a late Friday night, just before sunset, and I was sitting outside the round pen on top of a hill, at Above the Sun Ranch with 5 teenagers.  It was the first ever Christian horse camp for older teens.  We looked on as Amy prepared to begin a training session with Bailey, a young and new horse on the farm. Amy explained that she would start by running Bailey around the outside rail and when she stopped running her, the goal and desire was for Bailey to enter the center of the circle where Amy was standing.  She explained that she was trying to win Bailey's trust.  Bailey's willingness to enter the center would be a sign of submission, an outward sign that she wanted to be led by Amy.

The training session started.  Amy asked her to run by clicking her mouth and using a rope that she would periodically move toward Bailey. All the while, Amy ran by her side, patiently, lovingly, and mightily, pursuing her. With wide eyes and restless twitches, Bailey ran and ran and ran some more.  I was thinking, um Amy, I think that's enough. But only the leader, the one doing the training, gets to make that decision.

And so it is with God.  Only He knows how to pursue us perfectly.  Others can tell us about Him, proclaim who He is, what He's done, what He promises to do.  But only He opens hearts.  

The first time Amy stopped running Bailey, she quickly entered the center with Amy. I was like, Wow, I could totally be a horse trainer.  That was easy.  And then Amy said, "Let's see if she means it."  So, Amy started walking around the pen, and it wasn't long until Bailey was doing her own thing, looking around, distracted by the littlest thing.  Amy said, "Nope, that won't do.  I need her to stick right with me," and immediately put her back on the rail.

As she ran, Amy explained to us that she makes the right thing a pleasant experience for Bailey and the wrong thing a hard experience.

And so it is with us and God.  When we come to Him and allow Him to lead us, we experience a deep peace that we don't understand.  Often in our walk with God, the outward circumstances aren't pleasant or easy, but knowing Him and resting in Him is.  He is jealous for us and knows how we need Him.  A partial, half-hearted following will not do.

Amy explained that she was looking for signs that Bailey was starting to acknowledge her.  Signs that were unrecognizable to the rest of us.  She was looking for one ear to be on her at all times.  How many times had my God asked me to listen to Him, to listen for His voice above the crowd?  She was looking for a bowed head that reflected submission to her leadership.  How many times had God beckoned me to fall to my knees in surrender and rest?

As I watched Bailey run the rail, I could see myself in that horse.  How many times had I run and run and run some more, at times, wanting to be free and at others, clinging to the safety of the rail. All the while, my Father loving pursued.  After watching Bailey run the rail several times, I wanted to scream at her, "STOP RUNNING! for Pete's sake.  Aren't you tired?!"  Don't you see her, standing in the center of the ring, the one who will love you and feed you and care for you?!"
How many times had I run away from the One my heart desperately wanted and needed?  How many times had I pulled away from God and from others, thinking I knew best.  But God didn't create us to run on our own. He created us to be in relationship with Him and with His other children.

About half way through the training session, Bailey was clearly distracted by a piece of equipment and then some of the girls.  I couldn't help but think of how many times God stood in the center, watching me, while I turned to other things, other gods. How he lovingly looked on, while I piddled away with created things, rather than looking to my Creator.

As Bailey ran the rail again, Amy explained to us that she sees the potential this young horse has.  The rest of us didn't see it, but she does. It's why she chose her.  She knows her bloodlines.

And so it is with us.  God sees our bloodline.  He sees Jesus' perfection when He looks upon us.  He knows how He wants to be in relationship with us and allow our lives to reflect His glory, which results in our deepest satisfaction, our joy.  But, if we're running the rail, whether it's to be free or safe-both a sign of wanting our own independence-we can't be in a right relationship with Him.  

I listened to the girls as we sat around the campfire later that evening.  Their words showed that God had spoken through Amy's words during the training session. I watched the flames of fire flicker on their faces as they shared how hard it is sometimes to want God over other things.  Oh, how I knew what they were saying.  Sometimes those here and now things-those relationships, those experiences- look so good, so promising.   We were able to discuss how people will fail us, but God-He never disappoints. I think each of us could see herself in that young horse, ripping around the ring at breakneck speed.

I am so thankful for the way God pursues us even when we don't know we want to be pursued. Just as Bailey was purchased and brought from far off,  we too, are brought near by God.  We could never get ourselves into His presence if not for His grace in drawing us through His Son, Jesus Christ.

As His daughters, when we want to run or hide, He draws near. He places people in our lives to teach us about Him, so we can know Him and love Him.  Knowing Him is loving Him.

Praying for these 5 young girls that God will relentlessly pursue each of them until they're willingly walking by His side, running hard after Him.

~AJL

When You're Looking to Get Through the Wall in Front of You

I was walking along the path when suddenly I came to a wall and not just any wall.  It was a solid stone wall that went up, for as high as the eyes can see.  I tried to turn to the left, but there was more wall.  I tried to turn to the right, but there was wall.  I tried to turn around, but oddly, the path that I had so easily tread just moments ago was no longer behind me.  So I called out to one of my most trusted friends nearby, and like always, she came and grabbed my left hand.  I turned to another, and she too came and grabbed my right.  We stood there for a moment, discussing the wall-how to move through it, how to remove a stone, should we go around it.  Weary from much discussion and dead-ends, there seemed to be nothing for us to do but stay in place. Exhausted, we fell to our knees, and as night covered the earth, we eventually fell asleep, right there on the path.

Sometime in the night, I was awakened from my sleep by a voice.  It was a deep, authoritative voice.  It echoed off the wall, thundered around my friends and I, and even within.

"I will remove stones from the wall in front of you, and you will pass through."  There was no wavering in His voice.  He was so sure, so certain.  I was so relieved.  He knew what we must do to move forward.  

I started to wake my friends, but He spoke again:  "You can't take them with you. There is only one way through this thing.  I will pass before you, and then I will remove just enough stones for you to fit through.   You must trust me in this.  For there is no other way to be saved."

And so it is with Jesus...

It is true what Keller says, that at the beginning of following Jesus, we could never know exactly how far He'd ask us to go. We could never know many times He'd ask us to die to ourselves.  How many times He'd lead us to a wall, only to strip off everything but Him.  

If you find yourself at a wall, a stone wall-high and long-trust Him. Follow Him through the very narrow hole in front of you. 

And there is salvation in no one else,

 for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which

 we must be saved.

Acts 4:12

  

When Your Father is Calling Your Name

She sat on the porch swing beside me.  One of the toughest 20 something young women I know.  But at that moment, her legs crossed, eyes intent on the man in front of her, all I could see was a little girl, 5 years old, being called upon, as a father calls upon her daughter.

I couldn't help but see myself before my Father in Heaven.  It was as though He was whispering to me, "Pay attention daughter, this is my heart for you."

I watched my husband choke back tears as he told her God was asking him to love her like a daughter.  He knows the mistakes he's made and the broken inside of him, yet when God calls upon him to do something, he doesn't take it lightly.

Two nights prior, this young women called across a yard to me and a few others she trusts...   I'm looking for a dad...she yelled as she blanketed her horse.  I looked at the other women and asked what she said. Someone repeated her words.  I've seen the determined in this girl, and I've listened to her life goals.  This girl knows how to work.  to fight.  to move and shake. We had been talking about looking for a husband.  No one said anything about looking for a father.

But isn't it always in a child's heart to find her Father?  Hasn't God promised to write eternity on hearts?  An eternity with Him?

My heart stilled and stuttered.  How could I break it to her that you don't just go and find a father?

Later that night, "looking for a father" came up again.  I told her that it may not happen here on earth.  I told her that sometimes God doesn't answer that prayer.

The next morning, my husband comes home from work and says, "I need you to call her.  I need to tell her that I will be there for her-we will be there for her.  That we love her.  That I will love her."  He's talking about the same girl I had just told less than 24 hours ago that her hope of a father figure on earth may be in vain.  I hadn't said anything to him about the conversation that went on in the wee hours of the night.  I hadn't even had time to talk with him yet.

Overwhelmed,  I broke down sobbing at the Sovereignty and love of God. She'll think we're lying, I told him.  She'll think we talked and we planned this.  He looked at me crooked, and I went on to explain how just.last.night she told me she was looking for a father.  And I told him how I pretty much told her to close that book  'cause you don't just go looking for a father.  Of course, in her determined way, she looked at me and said, "Well, I'm going to try."  hmmm.

He knew it would scare her if he called.

Doesn't a Father always know the best way to reach His child?

I called her, and she came within hours. She admitted she was scared 'cause why would Jim want to talk with her. I've known this fear of being offered something.  I've known this fear of someone offering a free gift of love and being so very scared.  I watched my husband unfold his heart for this young woman that we've both grown to love so much. I know how hard it is for him (how many times has he asked God to give him a love for people anyway???).  He told her he was offering the gift of a father, imperfect love, for sure-he told her. I watched him walk headlong into what God was asking of him, yet muddling his way, clinging to his Father, as his words came out.  I'm not sure of even what it looks like, he said...You don't have to accept this offer.  There are no expectations of you.  I just want you to know you have a place here.  A safe place here.

When she finally spoke she told us that her father died this month, twenty some years ago and how she often struggles during this month.  She told Jim how she doesn't even know what to say.  Later she whispered to me as she walked out the door:  I hope I responded right. (smile).

Can one ever respond wrongly to the free gift of love?

Along with my husband, I don't know either.  I don't know how this looks-uncharted territory for sure. I do know my Father and His heart for the fatherless.  I know He loves and loves and loves. His love is steadfast.

John 15:16 You did not choose me, but I chose you...

When You're Needing a Song in the Night

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, 

and at night his song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.

~psalm 42:8

The time:  3:25 am.  I hear a cry from his bedroom.  "Mommy, Come quick!"  I rush to room to see him sitting on his bed.  No tears.  He's quite excited, actually.  "Mommy, my song is on.  Turn it up."  Kristian Stanfill's "One Thing Remains" has begun on the radio and Gabriel is singing the all too familiar to our family (and our visitors, not to mention our poor neighbors) lyrics. 

Your love never fails,

never gives up,

never runs out on me.

After retrieving him a drink of water while he listens to his song (sigh), I turned to pick something up from the floor.  When I turned back to him, he was drinking his water, eyes closed, hand raised to heaven, and moving in rhythm to the song.  I was reminded once again of the prayer I prayed for him so many times over the last almost 4 years:  God, I give him back to you, to use as you choose.  He is yours.  If there is anything I can do to encourage him in his love for music and you, please help me to be sensitive.

Truth be told, I was awake anyway, just minutes before I heard him yell for me.  I had already decided to get up to pray, after laying in bed for a minute, realizing prayer for others would be a better use of my time than runaway thoughts. So thankful for God's grace in turning my heart to Him, through Gabriel's cry, through his love for this song.  

Father, those you love are hurting.  May they know you are in their midst.  May you remind them you are a mighty one who will save.  May  you rejoice over them with gladness and quiet them with your love.  May you exult over them with loud singing.

The Lord you God is in your midst,

a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

he will quiet you with his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

~Zephaniah 3:17

When You Need an Anchor

As many people I love are going through a time of suffering, mourning, and loss, I am reminded once again that there is ONE who does not change.  There is ONE who is True.  There is ONE TRUE GOD. There is ONE Jesus. He is the only ONE in whom we hope.  All other things in which or whom I put my trust seem so very dim in the light of Jesus Christ.  It is true...

in the midst of pain and suffering, the anchor of hope in Jesus Christ holds.  

When I was a little girl, my grandma was ever so important to me.  She took me church, taught me to bake bread, how to garden.  She had a lot of time to spend with me, and she always included me in what she was doing. As I watched her grow older, I would plead with God not to take her from me.
I didn't know how I could go on without her.

There was no sign that Grandma's time on earth was so so near. But unbeknownst to me, God began to prepare my heart-a gift for sure. Two weeks before my grandma fell ill, someone gave me a book on Heaven.  One week before she died, someone gave me a cd on Heaven.  After reading the book and listening to the cd over a period of weeks,  I got the call while leaving the West End Fair that grandma had fallen and she wasn't well.

I don't remember a lot of the details between the call and grandma's final day on earth.


It was August 10, 2007, when she took her last breath. I stood in the room of the cardiac unit of Geisinger Hospital with my two aunts.  The end of life on earth for my grandma was but minutes away.  I had watched the numbers that counted my grandma's heartbeats, descending on the screen, over a period of an hour.  Like a countdown clock, the numbers served as a  visual reminder that time on earth is but a breath in light of eternity.  As the numbers started dropping more rapidly, trying desperately to love my grandma and not think of myself in the moment, I fed her with word pictures of what was coming, of Heaven.  I tried my best to love her and serve her, as she had done much of my life.

I began speaking to her of Heaven.  What else do you talk about in these moments?  But how does one describe a place she's never been...

I reminded her of her infant daughter she would see once again, of no more pain, of seeing Jesus face to face.  I remember searching every crevice of my brain for description that might tell of how wonderful Heaven would be.

Finally the screen on the monitor beside grandma's bed was still.  I remember looking at my aunt, begging her to tell me I was wrong.  I knew my grandma had passed from this earth, but in a surreal moment, I wanted everything to rewind.  Just a few more moments.  A few more minutes.  Time is a gift.  But I would learn in the next few moments what my dear friend quoted today, "to surrender to the Creator's control is not onerous or burdensome.  To the contrary, that is the place where stress, struggle, and strain, give way to blessing, abundance, and peace."

I didn't want my aunts to have to tell the family, so I told them I would be the one to go to the waiting room to deliver the news.  I made it about 10 steps out of my grandma's room and the pain of loss and various emotions hit me.  I literally dropped me to my knees.  I remember a young nurse stooping down by my side, gently asking if I was okay and a man, another nurse?  or doctor? coming to the other side of me.  It felt like time stopped.  It seemed as though they picked me up, and I felt like I half-walked, was half carried, and half floated to another area.  They walked me past the waiting room to a sanctioned off hall.  I told them I was okay.  They left.

I remember for a brief moment thinking, "What do I do now?"  I did the only thing I knew to do.  I turned my eyes upon Jesus.  I looked to God for some type of direction.  This looking to God, turning from self trust and preservation-a surrendering of one's thoughts and desires-does indeed bring a deep peace.  Peace, beyond understanding, flooded my soul.  My grandparents' voices filled my mind, and it was as if I could hear them lovingly calling my name, "Angie, Angie...oooh, come on now", just like they did when I was a little girl.

I didn't know what the next few days or years would like without my grandma, but I knew it would be okay. There was enough light for the step I was on.  I was learning to surrender my thoughts, my hopes, my desires, to a loving God, a loving Creator, a loving Father and Trust Him.
I was learning in these moments that God's grace truly is sufficient.  He is faithful.  He is ever present. He alone is my comforter, my protector, my Savior. I was learning...

in the midst of pain and suffering, the anchor of hope in Jesus Christ holds.

This song comes back so many times when I don't understand what's going in me and around me.  

Remembering to surrender today, trusting the only Worthy One.

Father, we look to you for wisdom.  For hope.  For peace.  Help us Father, to surrender to what we can't see and Trust You and love you and know you more.

The Anchor

On Moments Becoming Memories...

Many people have asked me in the last few weeks, "So, what are you going to do with your time while Ana and Gabriel are in preschool?"  I've pondered, analyzed, prayed about this, thought about this day for a longggg time.  Truthfully, I've pictured myself skipping home, so excited to have some uninterrupted moments. I've also pictured myself crying.  In short, I really didn't know what to expect.

  Today was the day.  

I dropped Ana and Gabriel off at school, a few tears for G, but for the most part, smooth sailing.  (Thank you, Mrs. Grove, for talking of candy-dropping planes :-)  I wore a smile to the parking lot after passing by some teary-eyed mamas and even some mamas who looked half scared themselves.  Poor things-A mama's love runs deep.

I drove home, happy to be alive, happy to have a complete thought.  Heck, I even had several complete thoughts as I drove through town, all without screaming from rear of the suburban.  As I was parking, I saw another preschool mama warming up in our alley, preparing for her run, no children in tow today.  We exchanged words of exercise, shower, and then back to pick them up.
That was MY plan.

Instead, I walked into the house and it was literally as if time stood still.  I looked around at the evidence of the many moments I'd had with my children this morning.  My eyes went from Cole's unfolded jacket to Gabriel's unplaced puzzle pieces.  I glanced down at Ana's blanket strewn on the floor and then to Julia's favorite, soft grey shirt hanging over the side of the bench.
Normally these things make me about half crazy.  

Not Today.

The unexpected happened. I dropped to my knees. Gratitude filling my heart.  I couldn't believe I had been given so much.   I started thanking God for my husband. For Cole.  Julia.  Ana.  Gabriel. Sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder apparently.

The evidence of the brevity of moments was crystal clear.  Moments become memories in a the blink of an eye, I resolved. Just a breath, and a moment is over.  My mind reverted back to just a few short minutes ago, as I passed by the Lutheran Church, glancing at Andre as he prepared for today's funeral.

This must be how one feels at the end of her life.  

Counting memories of loved ones instead of bills.
                              Counting the slightest of touches from loved ones instead of forgotten chores.
                                                        Counting how many times you turned them to Christ instead of yourself.

Nancy has said countless times, You start letting go before they're born.
So many empty nest mamas have said, Enjoy them...they'll be gone before you know it.
And I get it.  I didn't expect all this.  To ponder life and the brevity of it all.  To be drop-to-your-knees thankful.  To cry-poor mama-a mama's love runs deep.

So I give them back to the Giver of Life. Thankful for all He has given.

For from Him and through Him and to him are all things.  To him be the glory forever.  Amen.

A~

Ana Grace Feven Laubach...

She sat on the counter helping me do the ordinary.  Making a peanutbutter banana almondmilk. Something we've done countless times.

And I was struck.  Suddenly, drop you to your knees, struck, by the reality of her.
Of her life.
Of how my life has changed because of her-for the better.
How my heart has been changed-for the better, through this little life.

My mind played back the first time I saw her:
The nanny walked into the room with her and announced her Ethiopian name:  Feven.  It was a moment I've had only 3 other times.  The mama-laying-her-eyes-on-her-child, for the first time, moment.  She was a wonder.  She laughed a "what took you so long" giggle?  I truly thought my heart was going to burst, or I was going to explode, drop to knees, something..because how can a heart contain this joy, this wonder?  I watched as she wiggled her little body across the carpet of the guest room in army crawl fashion.

I've seen the awe of the ocean in Delaware.  I've gazed over Addis Ababa from Entoto Mountain..  I stood in Antigua, Gautemala, staring at a volcano.

But this-this little girl-given to love-was a wonder above all these.

When someone asks me, "Is adoption hard?"  It's difficult to give a straightforward answer.  Ask any adoptive mama.  Because yes, it.is.hard.  Some moments excruciatingly hard.  But there are moments of pure joy at the wonder of it all.

Motherhood-a calling.  Through adoption or biologically.

When God showed us we would adopt two babies, ages 0-12 months, at the same time, I was downright scared.  It was not in my plan.  One child, yes.  And then another should God allow.  But two at the same time, never ever was I a mama who thought it would be "cool" to have twins.  At least I don't recall that now, cause well, living in reality sort of helps you to forget all the crazy, rainbows and unicorns thoughts you had.

So very thankful God saw fit to allow Jim and I to have 4 precious children.  So very thankful He saw fit to have me home with them.  It's been SO much harder than I expected.  Being a wife and a mom is definitely a full-time job.  Praising him for these lives.

When Souls are Hanging Between Life and Death, and You're Worried About Your Hair...

Having just been given the gift of bread and juice, a reminder of *the greatest act of love the world will ever know, something happened.  It was unexpected.  I'd done this hundreds of times hadn't I, taking the bread and juice, praying and giving thanks for what I've been given-LIFE itself.   A weighty reminder.  But this time, something different happened.

As I started back the darkened aisle to return to my seat, the sea of people became individuals.  Eternal Soul #1, Eternal Soul #2, Eternal Soul #3...How many people are here anyway, I wondered, figuring somewhere around 400.

400 eternal souls.  There really is little time to talk about the weather these days.

As I padded back to my seat, as each sandaled footstep hit the concrete floor, God whispered:   (step) Notice him...(step) Notice her...(step) Do you see him... (step) Look at her... (step)...
It was as if God was turning my heart to each one, for a nanosecond of time, as I passed by.  Not turning my head, but oh-so-wanting to, I knew I was passing by custom made, worshiping souls.

Worshiping God or NOT.
In Christ or NOT.
Life or Death.
THERE ARE NO IN-BETWEENS HERE.

How does one hold the weight of eternity in his human mind?  

As I passed by Mr. Disinterested, I felt myself wanting to grab him like you'd lovingly grab your little brother who's about ready to get into a fight, shake him by the shoulders, look into his eyes, and yell down into his soul, "Do you know him?"  Do you really know him?  Do you hear the lyrics to this song?  I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see...Do.you.even.care?!

But you can't wake someone up by screaming or manipulation or sheer will.  It's taken me a long time to get that.

Only God can save a soul.

As I sat back down in my seat, I was reminded of what He tells me in His word, that I did.not.choose.Him, I never would have I tell you, for dead people don't make choices. But He chose me, He woke me up. I was as surprised as anyone.

How could I have been so consumed with that unruly curl of hair this morning when people are dying here?

So we plead with our Father for souls, and He is the sole soul-winner.  Wake them up, God.  The One who makes things out of nothing and calls people to life.  Call him to life, Father.

Almost too much to hold in this head.

Amazing Grace was playing in the background and words scrawled and scratched upon my heart once again, reminding me of my salvation:

...how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see.  My chains are gone, I've been set free, my God, my Savior, has ransomed me, and like a flood, his mercy rains, unending love, AMAZING GRACE.

Ephesians 2:8,9 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

*Curt Brubaker used this phrase in our service on Sunday, and it grabbed my heart.

Eager Longing for the Completion of Adoption

In just a few short hours, we'll load A and G into the Suburban and travel 2 hours to gather more evidence to prove to someone out there, that "Yes, Kibrom James, indeed is, Gabriel John Kibrom Laubach.  When He crossed US lines, he was a citizen, they tell us, but there's really no way to hypothetically prove he belongs here unless every.single.piece. of paperwork is accurate. (Ah, the world of adoption.)  Due to a typographical error, we're still jumping through hoops and fingerprinting our 4 year old to prove he is who we say he is, that he has a new name. That he has the inheritance, obligations, and privileges of James Laubach.  And furthermore, he's not only a "permanent resident", he's a "citizen" here.  As if he's always belonged here.  Yes, in the adoption world there is a difference.

I've scrawled the words "sons of God" in my journal countless times and today I read, when we read "sons of God" in the New Testament, it refers to our adoption.  Because of Jesus, we are adopted as "sons of God".  Under the law, we were slaves, awaiting adoption.

Jesus.changed.everything.

He was the ransom that allows us to be adopted children of God Almighty.  A few tens of thousands of dollars in the adoption world is nothing compared to the priceless blood of Christ, because we can bring a child 7,000 miles, from continent to continent, but only Christ can bring many sons from death to life, slave to child.

Like, Gabriel John Kibrom Laubach, who has been given the Laubach name, we who have been bought with blood, have the inheritance, privileges, and obligations of God.  Unlike we fallen, prone to inaccuracy, people, God completes His work perfectly, right down to every drop of blood, nail, and thorn.  When He says, It is finished, well then, It.Is.Finished.  No need to travel back and forth, complete more paperwork, wonder if it the adoption really went through.

Praying for the completion of the adoption of this son of ours because paperwork really can make you temporarily insane-ask any adoptive mama.

Praying, yes humbly pleading, for those this coming Sunday as siblings gather and heads bow.  Adoption taking place in the heavenlies, long before we with finite minds perceive it.  Is there anything more joyous, more can-hardly-even-breathe in, than when a child is presented by the Father to the rest of the family?
Praying the tears never stop falling and joy never fades, as one more child joyfully and willingly proclaims, "Yes, I want to be adopted."
Romans 8:19  For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.  

God's Family-the Church

Something clicked as we sat there talking, Nancy and I, reflecting, as our church family picnic drew to an end..

This truly is an adoptive family.  Each of us adopted into this family by our Father, broken and being healed.  A larger picture of Freedom, seen last night, as the pieces came together for a gathering. This family-what God intends for us as His children, as we work together, strive together, play together, deny self for the sake of the gospel.  Freedom Fellowship, part of a bigger picture, God's children, His church.

Some of us come, just as adopted children, totally broken and bruised from our former way of life.  Some of us come, perhaps a little less scarred.  So, we encourage, and yes sometimes, push and pull through sweat and tears, each other along, reminding one another what this "inheritance" means. Reminding one another that "you were chosen and you belong in this family".   Reminding one another that we're alive (no longer dead), we've been made new, we're each accepted into this family-always-no place for jealousy-ever, we are blessed in Jesus, we have a strong Father-a strong God, our Father is FOR us, we will NEVER EVER be abandoned again-ever, our Father fights for us, we are for one another-we will fight for one another, we are sealed with the Holy Spirit, there is JOY here...for the praise of our God's glorious grace.

From my small place at the pool (just one perspective among many):

The dads of the littles, played in the pool with them...a blessing to watch.

The dads of the bigs...they jumped right in.  Keith, Steve, and Curt clumped down that oh-my, will-it-hold-together slide, screamed like little girls once or twice, for the enjoyment of the rest of us.

Rachael, with her laughing eyes, tried to bully Christine into going down the slide...way to stick to your guns, Chris! (or perhaps you're a wimp :-)

The joy that Rachael and Tish showed, just playing in the water...so thankful they help to lead our young ones.  So thankful these sisters lead me to joy in my Father.

The young boys/men lined up to go off the dive...brave young men...so thankful for them.

Ruth, flipping and turning, right off that dive...Yes.  You.go.girl.

Manny (aka Mr. T.) chomping down chips beside Mr. "I'm Bigger Now, beside two white mamas who often wondered if they'd ever be home.  Thank you for your faithfulness, God.

Mike, a brother behind the scenes, cooked chicken for everyone!

Missy, leaving dripping wet, well 'cause, someone thought she looked hot.

Liz spotting Jules and Cole 50 cents for much needed chips :-)

The Keefers shared a chair with a woman, whose husband watched her children, 'cause she needed to just.sit.and.talk.with her older sister.

The missing members of the family were missed, all the while, given blessing to go.

The "older" girls, caring for the littles, so the mamas could have an entire conversation.  Love them.

Family who served the rest by dishing food, carrying water, carrying chairs, police-ing the bouncy things-go Megan!, making signs, organizing, reminding us week after week in the bulletin...

Eddy, in his new role in our family, serving, loving, and playing well, right along with Libby-loving, laughing, talking, and taking photos.

Christine and Curt were able to drive to the picnic together-blessing.

Our boys on skateboards and rollerblades and things looking like skateboards...so fun.

Wearing someones flip flops home, 'cause I guess other women like black Old Navy flip flops, too.

Thank you, God, for this family, this place to learn and grow, into the likeness of your Son, for your glorious Name.

July...

Coffee Face

The Fall

Look Out World

G and A with their Chicken (thanks, Katie :-)

Happy B.Day, Daddy.

Goof Troops

FINALLY "bigger"

Father and Son

Cousins are Awesome

15 Years...

Sisters

Goofing in the Ocean

Daddy's B.Day @ Penn's Creek

Buddies

Daddy's B.Day...We took way too many pics, Jules.

Pants going down...

Hope this never gets old for you, Cole.