January 19, 2012~

I remember when you told me to start in the praise team years ago and I searched my past and I searched my heart and I found no training in this. Only in the wise words of a wiser woman, as she heard me go on and on and on with questions of why. Why would I? I don't know how to do this and I'll fail. And she looked right at me and said, "Why not?" So I said I'd like to be there. I don't know if I was really ever there because I didn't think I deserved it. I would focus on me and things I was good at and things I wasn't good at. I rarely looked at you and certainly didn't realize that it's all about you. Everything. From you, through you, and to you. It's all because of who you are. You're the point. And I remember the first lessons on guitar how Shawn said I might just play in the background someday as a band played and I said, "yeah, right". And how the strings echoed in my ears of the song, "Only You". I remember saying to Becky on the phone as I gazed into the sky, the night of finding out which agency would help lead us the children you chose for us to shepherd. I remember saying to her that if I could do one thing, I take my guitar and play in an orphanage. Would you play in their hearts and sing of your love? And not so long ago, I told Paul I didn't want to lead a song. I really didn't. And then a few weeks pass and you whisper, "Yes, Angie. I want you lead this." And I cry and I say I can't. And you tell me you know. Only you can. My job is to trust and stay laid low and love. It's in the taking the step one learns if she really trusts-or not. And hours ago, after being hurt by daughter, I calmed, ready to discipline. And she fell into my arms and cried hard tears of "I'm sorry, Mama." And I forgave her, just like that. And you showed me right there that THAT is who you are. That is grace. I don't have to earn forgiveness. A heart changed-forgiveness is given. May I never forget this. Oh, how you love. In the quiet and the stillness. In the rage and tempest. May I hear you. Send me out to the wells, God. Send me to the crowds that you may love on the ones who feel unworthy to be loved. May they see YOU. For you met me at my well, when I was bone-dry and you saw right through the mess and acting-out behavior of a twenty-something little girl/woman. You came to my town and I reached out and touched you and you looked me square in the eye. Years of shame fell away. And you said I was clean. Oh, how I want to live in that. I remember falling in love with You as you pursued me from every angle and how I told Carla it's the most wonderful feeling and does everyone feel this way? There have been many other contenders for this heart since that day but your love is steadfast and your love is jealous. And you don't relent and you never let go. Make this heart to love you with all that I am. Make this life to glorify you-may others see You and your beauty and goodness and that you are the living God.