The Recent Happenings

Cole~
The Past:  Baptized last week-had to choke back ugly sobs as to not embarrass the boy.
The Present:  Making a fort out of a frig box
The Future:  Will be trying out for basketball next week

Jules~
The Past:  Getting into books-sweet!, loved her last trail ride with Amy
The Present:  Making a fort out of a frig box, cleaning her room (again! :-)
The Future:  Looking forward to the next horse ride

Ana~
The Past:  Rode a horse at Amy's by herself
The Present:  Loving reading books, playing babies (yea)
The Future:  Looking forward to her next visit to the library

Gabriel~
The Past:  Rode to the library on his bike, parked in the rack-as Ana would say, "He's older now"
The Present:  Loves working with Daddy, seeing his friends at church, drumming
The Future:  Cannot wait to have a "TREAT" in his stocking

Family~got a new frig today, man from Estonia delivered it-the frig was from Sears, man from Estonia :-)  He went to orphanages with his church while in Estonia-he reports that orphanages in Estonia are "pretty good".  He also told us the story of the Lord healing his mother-very cool, praying about orphan care and our role, praying about Guatemala, praying about serving in our community, learning about grace and the gospel and freedom, reading through Romans with Freedom Fellowship

Grace~

I've started this 5 times.  All 5 times I deleted what I wrote.  It sounded too stupid or too superficial or too spiritual or too ________________.  As I prepared a delicious lunch of Cinnamon Toast Crunch for the kids, I turned on Faith Radio, to hear a program title that spoke directly to what the Lord has been showing me over the last 48 hours. 

Perfectionism. 

I knew I had perfectionist tendencies (don't we all?) but the man literally listed every single characteristic of myself-to a T.  Bleh.  I don't like to find out stuff after everyone else already knows.  I have a hunch my whole family and anyone who's ever come into contact w/ me knows this.

Rewind 72 hours ago or something like that, to yesterday's morning devotional time.  The Lord clearly told me to "Rest".  It was a glorious day yesterday.  Really.  I rested.  I didn't freak out, well 'cause, God told me to rest.  Do you know what God clearly told me this morning within my spirit, "Do it again.  Rest.  Slow.  Be Still."  So, I started out the day like yesterday, and you know what, I was really enjoying the day.  I mean really enjoy just being, doing whatever I needed to do:  dishes, a walk w/ Thing 1 and Thing 2...When that certain nagging thought that always pops into my mind (You should be doing ____________, instead of this and if you were "insert someone name of anyone here" you'd be doing this), I pushed it aside b/c well, today is another day to REST.  SLOW.  BE STILL.

As I started chasing light around the house with camera in hand, I realized, I don't have to move those dishes, I can just leave them.  It won't kill me.  It will be a record of A&G's playing.  I don't have to x, y, or z.  Grace took over and I was strangely okay with the dishes on the floor, full of Lincoln logs and pretty much the whole house filled with toys.  I started counting the things that A&G touched and moved and created this morning.  And for the first time, in a very long time, if ever, I was thankful.  Thankful they could move their hands to play w/ toys, thankful they could make music, thankful they were creative enough to get the pots out and make whatever it was they were making.  Thankful.  This is a miracle, y'all.  I have nothing against big 'ol, part the Red Sea type of miracles, but This.  This stillness in my heart.  In my mind.  It's a miracle.  Heart Surgery at its finest, by the Great Physician.

So, I have an inkling that tomorrow, I may receive the same command from my Lord.

REST.  SLOW.  BE STILL. 



A photo, begging for grace, of my dear Ana Grace.  I have no idea how to flip the thing around. 



Adoption Resources

This is a great resource site for adoptive families.  It provides videos, blogs, articles, etc. for families who have adopted.
www.empoweredtoconnect.org

When You've Been Sentenced to Death and Freed to Life

We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin. ~Romans 6:6,7

I sat through the memorial service last evening. Cried through the whole thing. My 10 year old was with me, embarrassed by much these days, so I wiped my tears before they puddled on my lap, so as to try and not draw unwanted attention.

The musicians' instruments in the hand of the Father, massaged and pierced the heart as they told stories of remembrance of the blood that was shed, the Savior who willingly died, the Father, who graciously gave.

I don't know how many times in the past I laughed at Peter, cutting off the man's ear, because I know it could have been me, the one trying to take control and lobbing off an ear in the process. But tonight I didn't laugh. I didn't laugh because rash vows and rash actions don't mean much when you turn away from the Savior. All may leave but he would never leave, so Peter said. And then the rooster crowed, just like Jesus said it would.

And so I am pressed again to remember:
Part of my heart still reads "Pharisee" because I fear loss of place, position and power.
Part of my heart still reads "Peter" who fears for my life at the identification with Jesus.
Part of my heart reads "one of the women standing by the cross of Jesus" (Jn. 19:25)
I know it was my sin that held Him there.

If eternal life is "knowing the only True God and Jesus Christ" (Jn.17:3), eternal death must be rejecting the only True God and Jesus Christ.

Jesus didn't reveal sin so one can admire it, write about it, and relish in it. And the Holy Spirit doesn't either. No-this staying in sin, this focus on sin, this not turning-it's rejecting the One who saves, who wants to turn us from self. The gift of seeing sin-conviction- it is a gift of eyes opened to who we really are, so we can clearly see the One who really matters.

We see our sin clearly, and God begins to turn our hearts and we turn as he empowers, this repentance, a gift. And gifts are given freely.

So, I sat in the memorial service, saying over and over again in my mind, "It's not fair. It's not fair." Jesus, this just isn't fair. The way they treated you, rejected you. And the conviction of sin falls once again on my own heart: The way I treated you, rejected you.

Wait-let's get this right-The way I treat you. Reject you. I still choose self over you so many times. Your word says I am correct: The wages of sin is death. Clearly, once again, I see it, apart from You, Jesus, I deserve death. This life I've been given, it's not deserved. Not in the least.

But God. He doesn't do things the way we do them. He sent His Son to die for sinners who deserve the payment of death because it was earned by their very being, to pay their ransom-to give them an undeserved life.

For while we were still weak, at the right time, Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die-but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. (Romans 5:6-11)

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. (Jn. 8:36)

A Daddy and His Daughters

My husband teaches, through his God-given love for his little girls that...

*A Daddy loves his little girl because she "is" not because she "does".
*A Daddy pursues even when she's mean and hurtful.
*A Daddy loves to hear his little girl call his name.
*A Daddy will fiercely protect his little girl.
*A Daddy loves a "lay my life down", self-denying love.

*Daddy, Julia, and Ana at the Father-Daughter Dance-March, 2012

When You're Thirsty

A Disciple's Notebook

January 19, 2012~

I remember when you told me to start in the praise team years ago and I searched my past and I searched my heart and I found no training in this. Only in the wise words of a wiser woman, as she heard me go on and on and on with questions of why. Why would I? I don't know how to do this and I'll fail. And she looked right at me and said, "Why not?" So I said I'd like to be there. I don't know if I was really ever there because I didn't think I deserved it. I would focus on me and things I was good at and things I wasn't good at. I rarely looked at you and certainly didn't realize that it's all about you. Everything. From you, through you, and to you. It's all because of who you are. You're the point. And I remember the first lessons on guitar how Shawn said I might just play in the background someday as a band played and I said, "yeah, right". And how the strings echoed in my ears of the song, "Only You". I remember saying to Becky on the phone as I gazed into the sky, the night of finding out which agency would help lead us the children you chose for us to shepherd. I remember saying to her that if I could do one thing, I take my guitar and play in an orphanage. Would you play in their hearts and sing of your love? And not so long ago, I told Paul I didn't want to lead a song. I really didn't. And then a few weeks pass and you whisper, "Yes, Angie. I want you lead this." And I cry and I say I can't. And you tell me you know. Only you can. My job is to trust and stay laid low and love. It's in the taking the step one learns if she really trusts-or not. And hours ago, after being hurt by daughter, I calmed, ready to discipline. And she fell into my arms and cried hard tears of "I'm sorry, Mama." And I forgave her, just like that. And you showed me right there that THAT is who you are. That is grace. I don't have to earn forgiveness. A heart changed-forgiveness is given. May I never forget this. Oh, how you love. In the quiet and the stillness. In the rage and tempest. May I hear you. Send me out to the wells, God. Send me to the crowds that you may love on the ones who feel unworthy to be loved. May they see YOU. For you met me at my well, when I was bone-dry and you saw right through the mess and acting-out behavior of a twenty-something little girl/woman. You came to my town and I reached out and touched you and you looked me square in the eye. Years of shame fell away. And you said I was clean. Oh, how I want to live in that. I remember falling in love with You as you pursued me from every angle and how I told Carla it's the most wonderful feeling and does everyone feel this way? There have been many other contenders for this heart since that day but your love is steadfast and your love is jealous. And you don't relent and you never let go. Make this heart to love you with all that I am. Make this life to glorify you-may others see You and your beauty and goodness and that you are the living God.

Remembering...

It must have been over 5 years ago when You started asking me to leave my job. I didn't understand it at the time. I was too entrenched. It was 4 years ago, shortly after Grandma died and before we sold her farm, that you asked us to sell our home. I argued and cried and gave it up and took it back again. It was 4 years ago, when the little boy we thought would be our son was reunited with his family. We rejoiced and we cried. Our hearts started opening to the possibility of a different country. It was then we started praying about where our child was. It was then you beckoned us to listen against advice, which You know I'm not so great at doing, and consider adopting two children at one time. I remember telling Jim, "I think we're supposed to adopt two." He smiled and said, "I knew that." I reacted, my normal tendancy, and reeled, "Why didn't you tell me?!" We could have saved a lot of time. He told me I needed to hear it for myself. Funny how he knows me. Funny how he knows how I trust You and your voice. You had us fly to Guatemala on July 11, 2009, the birthdate given to our son. Could it be that as we flew over country and water that across the ocean, a baby boy, our baby boy was being born? I remember when we landed in Guatemala and the sheer joy of it all. I remember stepping onto the grounds of Casa Bernabe and saying, "I'm home". I had all of these feelings of, "I was born for this" and "I know how these abused children feel." If not for our children at home, we could have stayed. We most likely would have stayed. Fast forward, October 2010. Jim shows up at work and I remember thinking this is either really good or really bad. It was really good. You allowed us to see the faces of our two newest children. I'll never forget staring at them on the computer screen. I remember leaving Cole and Julia to fly to Africa. None of us are particularly good at goodbyes. I cried. They cried. Don't know if Jim cried. I remember sitting in the van in Ethiopia-Cindy marveling at the fact she was in Africa. All I could think was, "I'm where my children are. They're here." And the waiting in the room as we waited for the nannies to bring them seemed like a lifetime, in reality, minutes. But you're not much one for microwave moments, are You. And how when I saw Gabriel, I knew. Do you remember how I kept repeating, It's him. It's him. It's him.? He's the one you showed me the picture of in November 2007, not even conceived in his mama's womb, not even conceived in his mama's heart. I don't understand it, but I'm thankful for it. I remember our last day in Addis, Cindy, baby girl, and me, all on our way to the doctor at the orphanage, trying hard to understand language and how to give medications and going to a little, hole-in-the-wall pharmacy and wanting to kiss the boy behind the counter because he spoke perfect english and told this mama how to administer medicine to one sick little baby on a plane in the middle of the Atlantic. Oh my, how I remember sprinting across the Dubai airport and the man being so kind to promise me my husband wouldn't miss the plane and he would help us. Thank you for sending him to us. And I remember landing at JFK and wanting to kiss the ground. And the sheer joy of Julia and Cole at the sight of their brother and sister. The weeks following were hard weeks. These days are hard days. But the remembering reminds me that You are good and you are Faithful and You are Sovereign and how how you love. I give you these hard days, these hard mothering two year old days. The days when the only thing I know to do is to lie on the ground and cry out and sometimes, just cry, when I forget who you are. And I remember that you've brought me home, to mother my children, even in my weak and not-so-nice moments, here is where you want me.

Thank you for loving me. For pulling me out of the pit. For saving my life. For making me free to love you and rest in you and breathe in you. I ask that you keep me abiding. Keep me laid low. I love you. For your great name. I pray for the honor of telling all the world of who you are, proclaiming your goodness and your greatness and your peace and your rest and power and your justice and mercy and redemption. For your glory- My deepest joy. A~