Monday, February 15, 2010

Reality of Adoption

It's not all rainbows, unicorns, and confetti. I knew it in my head before, but now we're living it. Last night was a rough one. Ana was awake about every hour. Right now she's asleep, in her sling, attached to me. I find myself asking God questions on a moment by moment basis. I'm learning more about my weakness and my independence, and it's not pretty. I guess weakness is a good thing, but independence, yikes. I look back over some of the things I've done in the last year, heck even in the last day, and realize how much I rely on myself or others to get the job done. I'm learning about total dependence on the Lord for every breath. Someone recently said something like, "God always will have you in a position where you will have to trust Him if you're following Him." Trust. How do I trust Him completely? Do I trust Him completely? With everything?

I'm understanding the reality of adoption is joy and pain. Just like my adoption as God's child. I remember distinctly the day I rounded the corner on Newman Road on my way to work, and I gave Jesus my whole life. (I've since had to surrender my selfish desires many times.) I had no idea that day the joy and pain that would follow. The pain of looking back on my past, realizing how I must have grieved my Father every time I turned away from Him. The joy of realizing I am loved unconditionally, no strings attached. Do I really get it? Do I really know how much I'm loved? I look down at this precious babe in the sling attached to my hip. How could I not believe that my Father loves me more than I can imagine and that He loves to be gracious to me?

I look at Ana and Gabriel and wonder what they've been through in their little lives. It comforts me to know the Lord knows. He's not surprised by anything that happened or the fact that they are with us. It comforts me to know He knows all about me, especially during these times of transition when I'm not sure that I even know myself.

I am so thankful for this life. It is hard. But I know it is of Him. I'm learning.