Amazing Grace

When You're Thirsty

2012-02-03T02:50:00.000-08:00

Hate Mail, Anyone?

2012-02-01T06:35:00.001-08:00

Ha...when I initially tried to type the post, it published just the title...now, that's funny.

Here's the post, Ana, to laugh about, in future years if God sees fit.

You ask for "hate mail", what you're really saying is "eat-meal" and what you really want is "oatmeal".

On Finding the One Who Was Lost

2012-01-31T06:26:00.000-08:00

The pastor relayed God's message to the "one" in front row...
Whoever believes in me, he shall live." That is, turn from self and die and then truly come to life.

And we bowed our heads and some our hearts, for I suppose there's always a grumbling Pharisee or scribe present. And "the one" heard Him. With heads bowed, no one to cheer him on, he said "Yes". When I heard the preacher say, "Anyone else?" I knew. God had not relented in this one's life, he pursued and was patient. He left the crowd to find him, and now his child turned to Him and lay on his shoulders, as the lost lamb on his shepherd's shoulders.
There was much joy in Heaven. The Spirit rejoiced within.

The preacher asked "the one" to pray with him. An outward sign of an inward turning? The sanctuary stilled and his voice went out, a lone voice in the crowd, even to the back and beyond the sanctuary, others would tell me later.

He prayed words of knowing he was a sinner and that only Jesus, his life, his death, his resurrection-his blood, could clean him, could bring him eternal life, this knowing of the Father.

My tears flow easy. Men save their tears. But that day, the men cried. They cried in this "knowing" and this eternal joy. I'm thankful this sinner was there that day to rejoice with other sinners covered by the blood of Jesus. I'm thankful that my Lord left the crowd to come after me, for I too was once "the one".

Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and scribes grumbled saying, "This man receives sinners and eats with them."

So he told them this parable. What man of you having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, "Rejoice with me, for I have found the sheep that was lost. Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance. ~Luke 15:1-7

January 19, 2012~

2012-01-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

I remember when you told me to start in the praise team years ago and I searched my past and I searched my heart and I found no training in this. Only in the wise words of a wiser woman, as she heard me go on and on and on with questions of why. Why would I? I don't know how to do this and I'll fail. And she looked right at me and said, "Why not?" So I said I'd like to be there. I don't know if I was really ever there because I didn't think I deserved it. I would focus on me and things I was good at and things I wasn't good at. I rarely looked at you and certainly didn't realize that it's all about you. Everything. From you, through you, and to you. It's all because of who you are. You're the point. And I remember the first lessons on guitar how Shawn said I might just play in the background someday as a band played and I said, "yeah, right". And how the strings echoed in my ears of the song, "Only You". I remember saying to Becky on the phone as I gazed into the sky, the night of finding out which agency would help lead us the children you chose for us to shepherd. I remember saying to her that if I could do one thing, I take my guitar and play in an orphanage. Would you play in their hearts and sing of your love? And not so long ago, I told Paul I didn't want to lead a song. I really didn't. And then a few weeks pass and you whisper, "Yes, Angie. I want you lead this." And I cry and I say I can't. And you tell me you know. Only you can. My job is to trust and stay laid low and love. It's in the taking the step one learns if she really trusts-or not. And hours ago, after being hurt by daughter, I calmed, ready to discipline. And she fell into my arms and cried hard tears of "I'm sorry, Mama." And I forgave her, just like that. And you showed me right there that THAT is who you are. That is grace. I don't have to earn forgiveness. A heart changed-forgiveness is given. May I never forget this. Oh, how you love. In the quiet and the stillness. In the rage and tempest. May I hear you. Send me out to the wells, God. Send me to the crowds that you may love on the ones who feel unworthy to be loved. May they see YOU. For you met me at my well, when I was bone-dry and you saw right through the mess and acting-out behavior of a twenty-something little girl/woman. You came to my town and I reached out and touched you and you looked me square in the eye. Years of shame fell away. And you said I was clean. Oh, how I want to live in that. I remember falling in love with You as you pursued me from every angle and how I told Carla it's the most wonderful feeling and does everyone feel this way? There have been many other contenders for this heart since that day but your love is steadfast and your love is jealous. And you don't relent and you never let go. Make this heart to love you with all that I am. Make this life to glorify you-may others see You and your beauty and goodness and that you are the living God.

Remembering...

2012-01-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

It must have been over 5 years ago when You started asking me to leave my job. I didn't understand it at the time. I was too entrenched. It was 4 years ago, shortly after Grandma died and before we sold her farm, that you asked us to sell our home. I argued and cried and gave it up and took it back again. It was 4 years ago, when the little boy we thought would be our son was reunited with his family. We rejoiced and we cried. Our hearts started opening to the possibility of a different country. It was then we started praying about where our child was. It was then you beckoned us to listen against advice, which You know I'm not so great at doing, and consider adopting two children at one time. I remember telling Jim, "I think we're supposed to adopt two." He smiled and said, "I knew that." I reacted, my normal tendancy, and reeled, "Why didn't you tell me?!" We could have saved a lot of time. He told me I needed to hear it for myself. Funny how he knows me. Funny how he knows how I trust You and your voice. You had us fly to Guatemala on July 11, 2009, the birthdate given to our son. Could it be that as we flew over country and water that across the ocean, a baby boy, our baby boy was being born? I remember when we landed in Guatemala and the sheer joy of it all. I remember stepping onto the grounds of Casa Bernabe and saying, "I'm home". I had all of these feelings of, "I was born for this" and "I know how these abused children feel." If not for our children at home, we could have stayed. We most likely would have stayed. Fast forward, October 2010. Jim shows up at work and I remember thinking this is either really good or really bad. It was really good. You allowed us to see the faces of our two newest children. I'll never forget staring at them on the computer screen. I remember leaving Cole and Julia to fly to Africa. None of us are particularly good at goodbyes. I cried. They cried. Don't know if Jim cried. I remember sitting in the van in Ethiopia-Cindy marveling at the fact she was in Africa. All I could think was, "I'm where my children are. They're here." And the waiting in the room as we waited for the nannies to bring them seemed like a lifetime, in reality, minutes. But you're not much one for microwave moments, are You. And how when I saw Gabriel, I knew. Do you remember how I kept repeating, It's him. It's him. It's him.? He's the one you showed me the picture of in November 2007, not even conceived in his mama's womb, not even conceived in his mama's heart. I don't understand it, but I'm thankful for it. I remember our last day in Addis, Cindy, baby girl, and me, all on our way to the doctor at the orphanage, trying hard to understand language and how to give medications and going to a little, hole-in-the-wall pharmacy and wanting to kiss the boy behind the counter because he spoke perfect english and told this mama how to administer medicine to one sick little baby on a plane in the middle of the Atlantic. Oh my, how I remember sprinting across the Dubai airport and the man being so kind to promise me my husband wouldn't miss the plane and he would help us. Thank you for sending him to us. And I remember landing at JFK and wanting to kiss the ground. And the sheer joy of Julia and Cole at the sight of their brother and sister. The weeks following were hard weeks. These days are hard days. But the remembering reminds me that You are good and you are Faithful and You are Sovereign and how how you love. I give you these hard days, these hard mothering two year old days. The days when the only thing I know to do is to lie on the ground and cry out and sometimes, just cry, when I forget who you are. And I remember that you've brought me home, to mother my children, even in my weak and not-so-nice moments, here is where you want me.

Thank you for loving me. For pulling me out of the pit. For saving my life. For making me free to love you and rest in you and breathe in you. I ask that you keep me abiding. Keep me laid low. I love you. For your great name. I pray for the honor of telling all the world of who you are, proclaiming your goodness and your greatness and your peace and your rest and power and your justice and mercy and redemption. For your glory- My deepest joy. A~

The Refusal to Suffer

2011-12-20T04:44:00.000-08:00

The temptation of impatience, a refusal to suffer.

Ann expresses it beautifully. Her words hit, square in the heart, with the precision that could come only from the Holy Spirit.

A clear picture of the erupting volcano of pride spewing over the ones I love. My refusal to suffer goes to battle daily with the impatience of a two-year-old. My jockeying for position of my husband flies in the face of being called to submit to my husband as leader of this home. Even this fight with a keyboard, erasing letters that I don't want erased, makes me see fiery red.

A dear, wise woman once reminded me, "I need Africa more than Africa needs me." Do I believe it? Do I believe that all of life's circumstances are grace and sanctification and love poured out? Do I believe I need all these more than all these need me?

Do I believe Jesus is the gift? Or do I believe I am the gift?

I turn love to hate as I am prone to love self and examine others. I refuse to love others as I count myself more significant.

I make myself everything, a proud queen

instead of nothing,

humble servant.

My heart is more like a weeble wobble than a laid-low servant. Pushed down, it bounces back, straight up, refusing to lay low in the circumstances of life. Refusing to deny self and love others. Refusing to rest. Refusing to gain strength from Christ. Refusing to Trust.

My flesh cries out, "You don't deserve this."
My flesh whimpers, "I don't want this."

My flesh commands:

I.Will.Not.Suffer. and

Let my kingdom and my will be done!

Calling the refusal what it really is. Calling impatience on the carpet reveals:

PRIDE

In contrast to all that I am there is

JESUS.
..."though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." ~Phil. 2

Jesus says that "he laid down his life and no one takes it from him." It was a voluntary laying down of self. He restrained all of who He is for all of who we are.

Anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Anyone. Not Worthy.

Surgeon's words that cut to the core, dividing bone and marrow.
And he said to ALL, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."
Denying self in the future sounds do-able. It's this daily dying that smells of rotten flesh burning. It's this daily dying that feels as limbs being torn, ripped right from their sockets.

In light of all that He is and all that I am not, I preach the gospel over a weeble wobble of a heart. Lay low because He laid low. Deny yourself because He died your death. Look to the Father in repentance because you have been given much and loved much.

Because it's in the laying low, the breaking of self, that one is able to love the Lord with all one's heart, soul, mind, and strength and love others as oneself. To count others more significant than oneself in humility.

Replace PRIDE with humility.

Make this heart lay low, so that others may be lifted up.
May this heart lay low because God is far from the proud.
May this heart lay low because when it's standing straight up, unwilling to fall, God says this is sin. I am God. You are not. You.will.get.hurt if you try and stand in my place.

If you shrink back in the day of adversity, your strength is small. Rescue those who are being taken away to death; hold back those who are stumbling to the slaughter. If you say, "Behold, we did not know this," does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who keeps watch over your soul know it, and will he not repay man according to his work?

(Prv. 24:10-12)

Words of wise ones say to preach the gospel to yourself. Stop listening to your flesh. Despite the flesh that remains, God has bought me with the blood of His son. He has made me a new creation. He has given me the gift of praise. He has loved much and given me the gift to love Him in return. He has healed and taught and disciplined. He has promised that He would send the Spirit of Truth into my heart to lead me into all Truth. Despite the thought I will never be laid low, as Paul said, I have learned the secret, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me-I trust my God. I know that only He is perfect. His Word says so. As Paul knew, I have not attained it. I will not attain it perfectly until I see Him. Trusting, for His glory alone, brings my deepest satisfaction, my joy. He is faithful. He loves with an everlasting love. He is good and what He does is good. He is my perfect Father.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,

O God of my salvation,

and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.

O Lord, open my lips,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;

you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (Ps.51:13-17)

When Your Daddy Comes...

2011-12-14T03:21:00.001-08:00

Oh my. Have you seen this?

REDEMPTION~
A father tells his daughter she is welcomed into the family.

My Daddy Has Come!

2011-12-13T11:02:00.000-08:00

Our dear friends are in Ethiopia, meeting their two children for the first time.

Their son's cries to those around him...

"My Daddy Has Come. My Daddy Has Come."

Really, nothing could express it more deeply or beautifully.

In love, he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.~Ephesians 1:6

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even while we were still dead, in our tresspasses, made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved- ~Ephesians 2:4,5

I thank my heavenly Father that there was a day when I, too, cried,
"My daddy has come! My Daddy has come." I thank him that He didn't allow me to go my own way. He pulled me from the ash heap and has given me beauty-His beauty.
HE is the treasure.

And, to think by going my own way, I could have missed all this:

Is God beckoning you away from going your own way? Possibly calling you to a life filled with children, with hopes and dreams that He has for you?
Deny yourself. It costs, but it's oh, so worth it.

Oh, the Chaos of it All

2011-12-07T10:08:00.001-08:00

Silence. It's very very scary in these parts because you know something very bad has happened. Typically, I sprint for the bathroom first. I usually round the corner to find two pairs of dark brown, very guilty eyes, looking up from an object floating in the toilet. Typically, they're wet up to their elbows and sometimes beyond.

The twos have just about done us in and we're only about half way through. Someone had the nerve to say that the threes are the hardest. What?!

It is hard, ya'll, two two-year-olds whip my butt on a regular basis. I'm talking, poop on the hands, toys in the toilet, dog food in the mouth, hard. But it is seriously fun, after the fact, that is. Some days, it just cracks me up to think back on my last few hours with my two youngest. It's not funny at the time, and God knows I cry out to Him on a regular basis, and take things into my own hands and lose my temper on a regular basis, too.

When I left my teaching job, I seriously thought this would be a piece-o-cake. Me and my stinkin' pride and rainbows and unicorns concept of the future.

But, I am BLESSED, with a capital B. I LOVE my family. I LOVE!!!!!!!! staying home. Can you tell I love staying home?! I wouldn't want it any other way.

But there are days like this-when temper tantrums have been thrown, soup has been spilled, bowls have been broken, pants have been soaked-that cause me to write, to process.

It's cheap therapy, really.

Well, there are clothes calling my name, dishes to be put away, and list goes on and on.

What We've Been Up To

2011-10-03T04:11:00.000-07:00

This blog can be confusing for me because I can never decide to whom I'm writing. I mean take for instance, the last sentence I just wrote..."to whom I'm writing". I don't really talk like that, but I write like that. Anyway, with this dilemma of "who's my audience", I write again, hoping to fulfill all that God has me on earth to do. I write first to my Father, to my family, to anyone else God places in our path.

Our oldest son is now 11, which brings all kinds of changes, growing independence, and bouts of hysteria from this over-protective mom. Our son is growing into a wonderful, normally challenging, young man, and I am so thankful I get to be his mom.

Our oldest daughter is now 9. She's working on her "adoption story", and it's so cool to hear how the adoption of her younger brother and sister have affected her. She is growing into a beautiful young lady, and I am so thankful she calls me mom.

Our next to youngest, by 3 weeks, our other daughter, is now 2 years and 3 months. She is growing in her independence, tries to care for her younger brother's needs, and is so funny. I am overwhelmed with the fact that God has chosen me to be her mommy.

Our youngest, is now 2 years and 2 months. He's growing like a weed, gives huge hugs to everyone in the family now (big milestone), loves to play with trucks and be outside, and is a master climber. I stand amazed at the fact that God brought this little boy to my husband and I to raise.

I'd post photos but we're too busy to take them. I keep telling myself to pick up the camera again, but the days just seem to have a way of moving at a rapid pace with two 2-year-olds in the house.

Caring for our children, training them in the way God would have them go, has proven to be a challenge. Yet, by God's grace and mercy, he moves and molds us to be the parents He calls us to be. I think I can speak for my husband when I say we have a growing sense of and appreciation for the importance of our marriage and taking our parenting seriously and leaning hard on the Lord for His care and provision for this family.

Motherhood is Application (of the Gospel)

2011-08-30T04:20:00.000-07:00

Because I know it is, and I forget it is.

This mother says it so beautifully.

Fleas, ER, and Stuff Like That

2011-08-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

I sit here typing-should be sleeping. Fleas are biting my ankles. Yes, gross. Totally gross. I've swept, I've mopped, I've sprayed, cleaned, and yes, even bombed, flea-bombed, that is, our house, for what seems like a thousand times over the last week. Tomorrow I plan to spray more flea stuff, recommended by the vet. Oh, how a little pest can be such a big pain. Our dog is free and clear, and I should be thankful, but I seriously think he gave them to me. I've been trying to be thankful through it all, thanking God I have feeling in my ankles, thanking God I have a house for them to infest, thankful that it's just fleas, and fleas die. They do die, right?

And our trip to the ER...
So tonight, we're at our friends' house and we hear a scream from the bedroom. It was Ana. I knew it wasn't a normal scream. I ran to find her drenched in fingernail polish remover. It was in her eyes, her shirt was soaked. We doused her with cold water over and over. Fortunately, my friend is a nurse. Ana seemed a bit lethargic and her eyes were red. Someone called poison control. They said to give her sugar and milk. She's allergic to milk. I was in serious-mom mode, and I had my mind made up that she was going to the ER. Kim and I loaded her up. I drove. I don't really know why. I just felt like I had to get there asap. Kim sat in Gabriel's car seat beside Ana. Jim and Kev had the rest of the kids at the house. We arrive at the ER and Kim calls home to ask about the ingredients in the remover. While she's on the phone, her husband says that her work pager went off (OR recovery room nurse). Again, fortunately, we're in the hospital, the same hospital in which she is needed, so she calls up to the OR. Yep, she's needed. Skipping lots of details b/c I'm tired and must get up for church, Kim was able to help w/ the patient in the OR, Ana was seen and was given a clean bill of health, and we were finished at the same time. We left the ER laughing. I'm sure people thought we were nutso. Seriously, is that not a Seinfeld episode in the making?! Even though we were able to laugh, the seriousness of it all did hit me several times, and of course, I am SO thankful and relieved that Ana is okay.

So, this is pretty much normal around here these days. Yesterday, Gabriel hid and ate half a tube of toothpaste, okay, it wasn't really half a tube (wouldn't want to have to call poison control consecutively for two days), got into Julia's candy stash, and rubbed deodorant all over his body. And this was all in the course of thirty minutes. Lest you think I don't watch my children, if you've ever been around us, you know these two work together. I'm sure they must scheme and plan in their cribs before I get them in the morning. One distracts me and the other carries out the plans. Or, one makes a mess, I clean it, and another mess is made before I get the first one cleaned up.

This is our normal...fleas, ER, and stuff like that. I'm so totally aware that it is by the grace of God that any of us make it through a day. We praise Him for it.

A Place of Brokenness-Go En-Courage Another

2011-06-18T03:56:00.000-07:00

I've wondered about blogs and comments and the meaning of it all. As I scrolled through this list of brokenness-comment after comment-from women-with uncertainties and perceived failures and believed lies-just like me...I was encouraged and humbled and broken. I've bookmarked it to read on the days when satan is telling me I'm all alone and no one else feels this way and no one else thinks this.

Go find someone on the list to encourage...

Encourage another woman...

Naked, Exposed and the Blood of it All

2011-06-17T05:05:00.000-07:00

I read, Motherhood as a Mission as Desiring God today, thanks to Ann Voskamp's wonderful links, and...

I am PIERCED. DIVIDED. And my thoughts and the intentions of my heart lay bare on the Surgeon's table, just as He said they would in Hebrews 4. I am NAKED and EXPOSED to His eyes and to Him I will give an account.

I reflect on my words of yesterday, and I read the soul-bearing words of today.

Do I get this? Do I understand the importance of my mission as a mother-making disciples of all nations. It's my mission, right? Starting here.

Therefore, I cry out to the living God for mercy. As my heart lay bare, faintly beating on this mother-table, I pray for the blood of Jesus to wash over my thoughts, words and actions, particularly toward my children. I pray for a new song in my heart, a fresh revelation of your grace, as I mother my 4 precious gifts.

I pray to understand this blood transfusion.

I pray to understand this "getting to" not "having to".

I pray to see the depth of my depravity and beauty of your grace and your awe-inspiring power that drops me to my knees.

I will give an account...I will give an account...I will give an account...

Pierce me, Word, pierce me straight through.
Divide me into a million pieces and lay me low.
I will be last.

2 Toddlers and 1 Mama = Chaos

2011-06-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

Happy 2nd Birthday, Little Ana.

THE TODDLERS...

You know the beautiful photos of the children walking through fields of wildflowers you see on many blogs? Well, I've come to realize we ain't that family. Actually, most times our camera cards are still stuck in the cameras and both camera batteries are dead.

You know the beautifully labeled pantry containers you see on many blogs?
Blah. You won't find that here.
Our "pantry" is locked down like Fort Knox and the toddlers STILL get into into it. They're working against me, I tell ya.

Yes, we have hit the T (insert appropriate T word here) Twos. Yikes! These babies are crazy. Most days I think I'm running a dog pound with all the biting and scratching and hitting that is happening.

A typical outing...
Last week after bible study, we were in our local grocery store in the midst of many many women and their children and some men. Many of the women were casually pushing their children by in their carts as my son screamed, and I mean screamed pitches higher than one ever thought possible, throughout the entire store. All of this because "No, he could not gnaw on the block of cheese,(he's lactose intolerant for crying out loud, and No, the gallon-sized Gatorade is not for you." As I picked up the food that tumbled to the floor (because I have to keep it on the bottom-the verryyy bottom of the cart b/c my children will eat it) as I rounded the baking aisle, I was seriously considering ditching my cart (and possibly the kids) and getting the heck out of Dodge. Women were making that "I'm smiling but I'm wondering if you might want to take a parenting class" type look. You know the one. Fortunately, one of my dear friends and her daughters were in the check out line and helped us get out of the store. Thank you, God, for them.

A typical day @ Home:
I'm attempting to put away the mounds of laundry in our bedroom when I realize it is very very quiet. This.is.never.good. Like not good at all, especially when you realize you might have had 3 complete thoughts without interruptions. So...I go to the bathroom to find Ana and Gabriel taking turns dunking their toys in the toilet and Yes, Gabriel was sucking the water out of the towels he had dunked. I know...Totally Disgusting, right? Like you won't eat a potato but toilet water is a tasty treat. Who does that?

Potty training? What potty???
Gabriel decided to take his diaper off to pee today...on the floor. Great!!!!!!!!
Ana, she loves to use the potty, just to wipe. She wipes for like 5 minutes, puts the lid down, and flushes...BUT rarely does she pee. Typically after this process, Gabriel is doing the potty dance, holding himself in the most dramatic of ways, and saying he has to pee. Yeah, right! I know his tricks. He gets on the potty and starts to cry-like every time. So, instead of potty training like most moms, I avoid it like the plague. Ana says, "Pobby"(aka potty) and I say, "Oh, you want to read a book." I know-I'm not really looking for the Mother of the Year award any time soon.

And all this leads me to say I couldn't be more blessed. I wake up every day to a Father who loves me beyond my imagination. He promises to never leave me nor forsake me. He promises that NOTHING can change His love for me. I have a Savior who died for my sins. I have a husband who loves me in a crazy way. I have four beautiful children, and I stand amazed that God would give them to me to raise. It's daunting. I fail. I fail miserably. And yes, I tend to be hard on myself, but seriously, I know how wicked I am. I know the depravity of my heart. I fail but God never fails. He is Faithful and True. Loving and Merciful.

Thank you, God, for all of my children, and I pray the T.Twos don't do me in.

Slow Down...

2011-06-13T13:07:00.001-07:00

That's it. To the women of the world, me, needing to listen the most.
Just slow down.

5 Minutes...

2011-06-03T02:53:00.000-07:00

I'm trying something new today. I need to get clogs out of my brain these days. I think I have word bundles lodged somewhere inside, begging to come out. I need all the thinking power I can get, so here is a 5 minute brain dump on "Every Day..." Gypsy Mama is the inspiration. The rules are that you write for 5 minutes on the given topic, no editing...just write and publish. Oh, the perfectionist, yet to be rid of fear-of-man in me is scared to jump. But here goes...1-2-3...I'm JUMPING....

Every day...GRACE.

Every day I awake, I ask God to show me more of who He is, more of who He isn't, and who I am in Him. I scuttlebut around, trying to still my body, after pouring my coffee. I am certainly a work in progress.

If not for the grace of God, I wouldn't make it. I used to say I wouldn't make it through a day, nowadays, I wonder if I'd make it through 5 minutes.

Two toddlers-every day-threatening to take me down, working together to mold this mama into who God has chosen for me to be. Every day-Grace. Every Day-God gently leads those who have young. Ahhh...this grace I must remember when my teeth clench hard, eyes see red-when teh cereal has been dumped yet again and the toilet has been played in, and the clothes have been cleared from Lil' Miss's drawers once again.

Every day...grace...to have one loving husband, one amazing son, one beautiful daughter, one sweet sweet boy, one ham of a little girl...5 amazing blessings...everyday.

Thank you, God...You are an amazing God. So faithful. So True. Just and loving. Merciful and gracious.

STOP.

Dear Ethiopia~From, a Mama

2011-03-09T03:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Ethiopia~

Thank you for our son and daughter. Thank you for caring for Gabriel John Kibrom and Ana Grace Feven until God chose to place them in our family's arms.

I want you to know...

Without Gabriel and Ana, I may have never known how ugly-black and tarred-my heart really is. For mothering two infants simultaneously has pushed me beyond my own-strength abilities.

Without Gabriel and Ana, I may have never known love is an action, not a warm fuzzy feeling. For mothering two children who have spent the first half year of their lives with someone else causes them not to trust and respond readily, and a mama loves anyway.

I never would have known that deep, true love is not biological. Love is God. God shows who He is and His love for us, by sending His Son to die for you, for me, for us. The only thing I give to Him is my sin. Any unselfish love I give, comes directly from Him.

Without Gabriel, I never would have known little hands that clasp behind my neck and legs pulled up tight in big mama hug.

Without Ana, I never would have known, a little eek of a twisted smile, with eyes all scrunched up, a look, just for her mama.

I would have never known how unrelentingly God shows His love to us, especially through the children he places in our lives.

As my mind swirls with the possibility of adoptions in Ethiopia decreasing by 90%, this mama can offer no solutions, but I humbly ponder-

What if it was my child? What if it was Gabriel or Ana, lying in wait by the side of the road. What if it was Gabriel or Ana, waiting a turn to be held in the room full of infants. And what if it was my child, Gabriel, who has been so sick-needing breathing treatments, waiting in a place where there are no treatments? The reality is, it could be my child.

And I humbly ask-

What if it was your child?

We never know when God will place another precious child into our arms and ask us to raise (or him) her to love Him with all her heart, soul, and mind.

I take great comfort in knowing that our God is sovereign. He knows. Nothing takes Him by surprise. Nothing. I take great comfort in knowing He works ALL things for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

I believe adoption to be a replica of our adoption as sons and daughters of God. And I am understanding more and more that satan hates anything that shows Who God is. God's Word says that "In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the one he loves." (Eph. 1:5,6) His Word also says that "...having believed you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession-to the praise of his glory." (Eph. 1:13,14)

Jesus told us to pray and that if we have faith and do not doubt, we can move mountains.

Heavenly Father, for your Name's Sake and for Your Glory Alone, we bend our hearts and knees in submission to your will. Your will, Father, not ours be done. We have sinned against you. Each one. We are sorry for the ways we've not cared for orphans and widows and strangers. Please forgive us. Show us what to do, Father. We will be faithful to follow. We pray on behalf of the orphans in Ethiopia. You know each of them by name. You knew them in their mothers' wombs. We pray for wisdom and discernment for all leaders throughout the world who may influence the decisions of adoption cases, especially those in Ethiopia today. Father, thank you for adopting us as your children, never to be forsaken. You are good. You are Holy. You are the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. You are victorious. You are gracious and merciful, loving and kind, just and righteous. And one day, you will set all things right. Your kingdom come. Your will be done.

Abba Father, Not Ours, but Your Will Be Done. For your Name's sake. For your glory alone.

Amen.

With humility, and Gratefulness, and love in Christ.

Angie J. Laubach

Mother of Ana Grace Feven Laubach and Gabriel John Kibrom Laubach

My Everyday

2011-02-11T05:26:00.000-08:00

Katie who recently began Faithblogs, encouraged writers to post on our "Everyday".

Here's my not-so- everyday Everyday

Only by the grace of God, am I able to get up about an hour to two hours before anyone else on this side of the world cares to get up. This is my alone time, my Jesus and me time, and I love it. I make a big pot of coffee and settle in for some bible reading, prayer, and writing. Some days I don't get up so early, like today, when my husband awakens me and asks if he should set the alarm.

My dear sweet husband leaves for work, and I usually say something like, "Don't leave me here with them." (meaning the monsters-aka toddlers). For those of you who don't know me, yes, I think all my children are absolute blessings and amazing, God-breathed wonders! Yes, it's true, I need an attitude adjustment on my mothering attitude at times. Yet, it's also true, that my toddlers plot and plan in their cribs to see how incredibly difficult one day can be for a mom.

So, I hear Gabriel around 6:30. Usually let him get awake for a few minutes and then batten down the hatches and prepare for Hurricane Gabriel's arrival each day.

The routine:

Close and lock all doors, not EVER forgetting the bathroom

Put Sawyer's, the dog, water dish high, where no child can reach

Put Sawyer's food dish away (some days I leave this as a chore for Gabriel-he love it

Put my coffee HIGH, so he doesn't drink it like he's done a few times before.

Push all items to the back of the counter top

I wake the big kids around 7:00. They eat breakfast. Most days we read a verse or I share something from my devotional time. We pray and they're off to school.

Finally, go retrieve a jumping boy from his crib. Yes, most days he's jumping or shaking his crib.

Gabriel's partner in crime, aka Ana, awakes somewhere in this process. The girl loves her sleep-once she's sleeping that is. After they've eaten, they start carrying out the actions I'm sure they've planned overnight. They have quite a system. Sometimes they work together and sometimes it's divide and conquer. Who knew two toddlers, one 18 months and one 19 months could wreak so much havoc.

One scheme of theirs is to go to the door that Gabriel can't unlock and Ana can't open. Ana quickly unlocks and Gabriel opens, and they're off to freedom. They typically don't go far-yet! Today I heard congas playing in the back stairway. Yep, they escaped and found Cole's congas. They actually sounded pretty good. We've tried multiple latches on doors and for the most part, unless a door is inadvertently left ajar, we're in fairly good shape. The last of the drawers to be secured, because it was high, not because we're total dodos, was the knife drawer. Jim came home from work one day, and I said, "Um, hon, I'm pretty sure we need a lock on the knife drawer. Ana came in wielding a knife today. Seriously. Gabriel opened the drawer and as any generous brother would do, handed her the knife. Not that I can prove this, except I'm going on past experience and they certainly have set a precedent for themselves in carrying out their schemes. What Gabriel can't unlock, Ana can. What Ana can't reach on tip-toes or scale because of heights, Gabriel is happy to oblige.

This week I have done the following:

1. Pulled a roll of paper towels from the toilet

2. Pulled the same roll of wet paper towels from the hands of the "other one"
3. Pulled both children from being stuck in the baker's rack

4. Removed Gabriel from the top of a bar stool, dining room table, and the computer table

5. Retrieved 6 pieces of gum from Ana's mouth, half a sweet tart wrapper from Ana's mouth, an entire paper towel from Gabriel's mouth (You know when they ask you at the doctor's office if your children eat unusual things. I gave my husband a sideways glance and told them, "Yes!," half expecting to receive a pamphlet on it or something, but I don't think they believed me, though, 'cause the nurse just carried on in her questioning.

6. Figured out a way to keep the toddlers from the kitchen-FOREVER! Let's hope their callings aren't chefs, 'cause they're not being encouraged here.

The mama list of things I've done could go on and on. Really. I can't believe what these little ones can do in a day. I suppose it's my job to train them in the healthy ways to express their creativity, strength, pioneering abilities, and curiosity. So, this is my typical day until about 3:00 when the The Rescuers, aka the sane people in the family return home. I love seeing each one of them coming through the door.

I am so thankful for this life. Perhaps I need reminded of it from time to time. Actually, I do. So, if you see me and I look tired, I am. If you see me and I look like I need a break, I probably do. But make no mistake, I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. As my oldest daughter often sings, "I don't wanna gain the whole world and lose my soul." I know for certain that God has given me the incredible gifts of being a wife and being a mother. I have a lot to learn about gentleness and patience. Love and perseverance. I am ever so thankful for God's amazing grace, mercy, leading, and love.

God's Grace~The Artwork, The Completion (for this season), The Creation, of Our Family

2011-02-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

I started to think this day would never come, when the impact of God's grace on our family would finally hit me like a rushing waterfall. I thought the moments settled somewhere deep in the recesses of my being. I've seen glimpses of them, but they retreat quickly to that hidden place. I thought I would shed many tears of joy-wonder-amazement-as I landed in Ethiopia, departed from Ethiopia, returned home to my family, or at least certainly sometime over the course of the last year, but mostly they stayed hidden. Until today.

This moment.

Right now.

The impact of God's grace in the life of our family wells up in my heart and spills tears of pure wonder and amazement over my eyelids.

His grace.

Today, this day~ Oh, the thoughts of arriving home from Ethiopia and seeing the creation of a family of children right before my very eyes~Yes, I have witnessed a miracle.

Her eyes danced as she saw us pull up. She jumped as if on a nonstop pogo stick. She squealed with delight and she ran down the hall and then back again. And when she saw them, her jaw dropped. She uttered sweet words of how cute they were and couldn't wait to wrap her

sister-arms around them.

That boy, he stood in amazement as he looked upon his newest siblings. He cried. I think he cried because he knew. He knew that only the God of the universe could orchestrate something so perfect.

Their grandparents stood back. Watching with wonder. Extending grace to a family who was being molded together before their very eyes. Oh, how we love them.

And above the 4 Laubach children's heads as they huddled together on the floor, hung a banner, proclaiming that Ana and Gabriel were indeed "HOME", where they belong.

Today, in just a few short hours, we will rejoice with some of the tiny and adult hands that made that banner, as those same hands and hearts WELCOME HOME their son and brother from Bulgaria.

Indeed, Father, it is by your grace we are what we are.

We praise you.

We honor you.

We love you.

May you be glorified. For your Name's sake.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-to the praise of his glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the one He loves. ~Ephesians 1:4

Departing Ethiopia in Not-So-Much Style

2011-02-04T03:20:00.000-08:00

First, a few random photos of our time in Ethiopia.

Just one of the many delicious meals we had while at the guest house.
Where we ate lunch most days-it was rough :-)
Sweetness.
Little Ana in Ethiopia. This was one of my favorite outfits.
Sweet Gabriel, sucking those two fingers, even then.

The not-so-smooth departure
Friday was departure day. Ana was not feeling well upon waking, so we talked with the orphanage/guest home coordinator about what to do. She suggested we take her back to the orphanage doctor. We decided the men would stay behind and pack and the girls would take Ana back to the orphanage to the doctor. To say my nerves were crazy would be an understatement. We weaved our way through the streets of Addis once again, to the orphanage. We met with the doctor, who we had met once before in our general overview meeting of the children. As she was examining Ana, she was telling us what was going on and then started recommending medications and how to administer. She speaks English very well, but I was totally overwhelmed by this point, didn't have a pen and paper, and I seriously think I was shutting down. I knew I was totally reliant upon the Lord at this point to see us through. As we left the orphanage, I said to my friend, "What did she say"? My friend, too, had difficulty understanding all that she said. The doctor had given us a prescription, so I showed it to our driver and he took us to a pharmacy in the middle of Addis. I don't even know how to describe all I was feeling. After moments inside the pharmacy, which was the size of large bathroom, I could have kissed the people behind the counter. One young man spoke English very well, and I knew exactly what I needed to do to administer Ana's meds when we left the store. Thank you, God.

We headed back to the guesthouse to finish packing and preparing for our flight home. The flight home was one of the most physically and emotionally challenging things I've ever faced. Ana was throwing up all over the airport. She was already dehydrated. So, I'm thinking, "What am I going to do if she gets worse while we're flying over the pacific ocean?" At this point, I think I was working in my own strength. Even now though, looking back, I don't know I could have done things differently. I was totally overwhelmed. Thank you, Lord, for never changing, even as my feelings and actions fluctuate.

After convincing security to let Ana's medication through (which was a huge liquid bottle), we boarded the plane heading for Dubai. Our plane didn't take off for over an hour. This meant our layover in Dubai was cut down to minutes. As we sat on the plane waiting to take off, I started to feel ill. I remember thinking that certainly I couldn't be getting sick. BUT-certainly, I was. By the time we landed in Dubai, I seriously did not care if we landed safely or not-I was that sick. They graciously held the plane for us and about 50 other people, many who had small children. However, we had to force-march/sprint through the airport. I never wanted to lay down so badly in all my life. We had some difficulty with our passports, but again, there was a very gracious man who was so so sweet and assured me everything was going to be okay. Jim had taken Gabriel to change him because Gabriel had a major blow-out while in the carrier. Jim was getting ill, and he said he had to change him. I was so nervous that the plane would take off without Jim and Gabriel.

Our flight home was challenging. But, by God's grace, Ana started feeling better. Thank you, Lord. I literally was in the bathroom more than I was not due to illness. Jim and our friends took care of the babies the entire 14 hour flight home. I just couldn't do anything. At one point, they took me to the back of the plane and gave me medicine. Once it kicked it, I started feeling better. We were about 2 hours from home. There was a soldier coming home from Afghanistan who sat by Jim. He helped us so much. At one point toward the end of the flight, when everyone was totally exhausted, he even held Ana for us. Again, thank you, Lord. I remember him pointing to Boston as we flew over and said, that's where I'm heading. He couldn't wait to see his little girl. (Thank you to all who serve our country.)

We did laugh at least once on the way home, even if it was at my expense. We were about an hour from New York, and I got up to go to the bathroom one last time. I got to the door of the bathroom, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out how to get into the bathroom. I stood there puzzled. It wouldn't have been a big deal, but I was in that same bathroom no less than 20 times already throughout the entire flight home. I looked back the aisle at Jim and the soldier for assistance, like something was wrong with the door. I couldn't believe it. They were both laughing at me. They motioned how to get into the bathroom. Jim told me later that the soldier had nudged him and told him to look at his wife trying to get into the bathroom. He recognized it as fatigue-at least that's what he told my husband. I mean, what kind, upstanding soldier would say to another man, "Hey, look at your wife-the woman you chose to have four children with-she can't even figure out how to get into a bathroom."

Snowstorms had hit New York and the surrounding area and closed down airports for at least a day after we landed. We were blessed to be able to arrive home and land when we did. I will never forget the sheer joy of stepping foot onto the airport floor at JFK. I could have rolled around, did cartwheels, anything. It was the best feeling. We went through customs quite easily and walked through the doors to see our friend who so graciously volunteered to pick us up. My husband says that was one of the best sights of his life-seeing our friend's face in the crowd. Once situated, we loaded in the van and made our way home to introduce our four children to one another-one of the sweetest memories for us.

I praise you, Lord, as I look back at our flight home and see how your grace saw us through the entire thing. While it wasn't easy, it was possible only because of you. Thank you.

Forever Signed Out of the Orphanage-one year ago

2011-02-03T05:32:00.000-08:00

Thursday

We awoke after our first full night with Ana and Gabriel. I don't remember many of the details of the night. I know we were awake in the middle of the night, giving Gabriel medicine (which oddly enough we were doing last night, too) and giving each of them bottles. One thing I loved about the orphanage staff was that the babies were on a schedule, BUT the schedule included a midnight feeding, which I was not too fond of.

We went to the orphanage with two other families. We received traditional Ethiopian outfits for both Ana and Gabriel, signed the necessary paperwork, and that was it. We visited the store of the orphanage and picked up a few things for Cole and Julia and for Ana and Gabriel to give to them as they get older. One thing we purchased was a tablecloth w/ the toukoul huts around the edge. Thus far, we've used it for Ana's and Gabriel's birthdays.

In the evening, we were encouraged to go to a traditional Ethiopian restaurant. Our friends and another adopting couple went with us. We met our lawyer at the restaurant and he joined us for dinner. Our drivers were with us, too. It was a great experience. I still can't believe the way the women and men could dance. You have to see the women whip their heads around to believe it. While at the restaurant, there was a wedding party that came for the reception. It was interesting to see.

Unfortunately, Ana started getting sick this evening (now we know it was the formula) and we were scheduled to depart the next day. Our departure day would prove to be a challenging one.

Entoto Mountain and the Babies First Night with Us

2011-02-02T04:32:00.001-08:00

Wednesday was the day we had planned to unofficially check the babies out of the orphanage. We couldn't officially sign them out forever until after our embassy appointment, which was the following day. During our time in Ethiopia, the babies' stay in the orphanage was much like my biological children's stay in the hospital's nursery. When my children were in the hospital, I was not one to want to keep my children with me all through the night. I appreciated my sleep, and I trusted the nurses caring for my children. The same can be said for the orphanage. While I absolutely loved my children, I appreciated the transition time for them and for us. This was not the process for another family who arrived in Ethiopia with us. They arrived in Ethiopia and picked up their son the same day. Their family seemed to transition smoothly. Each family must make the decision that's best for their family.

It was decided upon with the orphanage director that we would visit Entoto Mountain in the morning and pick the babies up afterward. Our friends and us packed in our van and were taken through the streets of Addis. Perhaps it's called a hill in Ethiopia, I'm not sure, but from my comparison to the landscape of PA, it was definitely a mountain. I'm told the Ethiopian athletes train on the mountain. It made me tired just looking at it. There were several young people filling the streets just below the mountain. Several women were walking the mountain with firewood on their backs. We saw donkeys/burros carrying firewood as well. Children were walking up and down the mountain. I just sat and stared out the window at the wonder before my eyes. Again, I was reminded, "I wasn't in Kansas anymore."

We visited the museum at the top of the mountain and gave out a few pens at the suggestion of our agency. People came out of the woodwork to receive a pen. I've looked back on this experience and wondered what a few pens could do. I'm not sure of the answer, but I do know it allowed me to touch the people. There was one older gentleman, sitting with his bible, which looked ancient-literally. I sat down beside him and handed him the pen. He looked at me in a way I couldn't decipher. Had he seen a pen before? Was he wondering what I was doing? I couldn't read the expression on his face. Not knowing what else to do, I ripped a piece of paper from my journal and drew a smiley face on it. He gave me a human smile. I gave him the paper and my farewell and headed back to my husband. We loaded back into the van and headed for Toukoul to sign the babies out of the orphanage.

Driving with the babies in the van for the first time was a bit interesting. There are no seat belts and no car seats in Addis. I suppose all of Ethiopia. I'm can be a bit of a safety nut, but it didn't really bother me. It just felt odd, holding the babies in our laps. I remember being sad that when we returned to the US, they would have to be in car seats. (I would have been even sadder, had I known how Ana would scream in hers :-) I don't remember much of the rest of our evening. I know we started the babies on the formula we took, which would lead to a badddd evening the next night. We didn't know it at the time, but both babies are lactose intolerant. I recall being up throughout the night, but I don't know how often. I know we were up at midnight, as the orphanage fed them every night at this time. Gabriel was also on medication for his breathing, which we had to administer through the night at some point.

We awoke on Thursday and prepared to sign the babies out of the orphanage forever.

Would You Do It All Over Again?

2011-02-01T03:13:00.000-08:00

Daddy and Gabriel.

Signing Gabriel and Ana out of the orphanage.

The coffee ceremony.

Mama and Ana.

Leaving the orphanage for the last time. (except when we had to take Ana back to the dr.:-)

Last night, my husband and I reflected on walking back through our adoption and discussed whether or not we would choose to walk back through the circumstances of this last year.

Both of us absolutely would walk back through the year to have our son and daughter in our arms, but we were discussing the circumstances on which we had different answers. I said an emphatic, "NO", I would not choose to walk through the circumstances again. Jim said a calm, "yes", he would. I reminded him of Ana being sick before our departure, me being sick the whole plane ride home, our mad-dash through the Dubai airport to catch our plane, our horrid diarrhea upon returning home, moving from our house, moving from our church, and our accident. He just laughed.

I lay this out for other adoptive families who may not have their child/children in their arms yet and even for others who put expectations on future endeavors. I often have an expectation of how things are going to go, how I'm going to feel, and how I'm going to be smiling all the while I'm doing it, when in reality, things most often do not go the way I think they will, my emotions are crazy, and I'm often crying or silent instead of smiling. I often say I have a rainbows and unicorns mentality before the fact, and during I wonder what hit me.

I definitely had this mentality in preparing for our time in Ethiopia. I expected to feel "love at first sight" when landing on Ethiopian soil. I didn't. It felt so surreal, that I don't know that I had any emotions, or perhaps too many to express. I expected to feel "right at home", when in reality, I felt "so far from home". This IS how I felt when we landed in Guatemala 6 months prior. I felt "at home". During our stay in Ethiopia, I expected to meet a hundred people I fell in love with and we'd keep in touch-well, I don't think I remember one person's name, with the exception of our driver, who spoke little English.

Everyone was so welcoming and the people were just beautiful. We were well taken care of and I loved so many things about Addis. Even now, I can reflect back and remember tiny details that make my heart swell.

I love how the roads had no signs-it pretty much fits my don't-put-me-in-a-box mentality.

I love the young woman at the desk of our guest house. She was so sweet.

I love our driver, even though we communicated very little. I love how he reminded me of George Jefferson and all the while I felt like he was our protector.

I love how we sat on the balcony at night playing cards with our friends.

I love hearing the Ethiopian music wafting through the guesthouse as we slept.
I love the memory of holding the man's hand at Entoto mountain.

I love how the many cupped his hands and said a million thanks for shoes that a teenager had sent from the US for someone who could use them.

I love how the men showed affection toward one another.

I love how we ate outdoors almost every lunch.

I love how there was a calmness about the people.

So many things to love...

Is it possible to prepare and move forward with no huge expectations of feeling this and feeling that? I suppose it is. I believe this is how my husband operates, and I so admire him for it.

I wonder as I type if I tried to do things in my own strength while in Addis. In part, I suppose I did. I know for certain that it is God's amazing grace that has seen us through the last year. I know God works all things for good for those who love him. I know we are richly blessed beyond measure. I know Jesus Christ holds all things together. I know I choose the One True God versus the god of my feelings today as I walk out the steps before me.

May you be richly and deeply blessed as you move forward in whatever steps the Lord may have you take today and always, for His Name's sake and glory alone.

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face~one year later

2011-01-31T02:58:00.001-08:00

January 31, 2011

One year ago today, I awoke in a hotel room in Dubai, UAE, with the anticipation of seeing our son and daughter for the first time. It was not a definite, as we were told Sundays are “family days” and our drive may not be available and the orphanage may not be open to visitors. So with a prayer in my heart to see them on this day, we set off for Ethiopia. We landed four hours later on a runway surrounded by fields and random people standing at various places throughout the fields. I have not a clue what they were doing. I never even thought about them until now. It was such a surreal moment. I fully expected to land in Ethiopia and feel an overwhelming surge of familiarity, but it did not come. It felt foreign, just as it was, some 7,000+ miles from home.

We piled out of the airplane and went through the paperwork in the airport. The Ethiopian woman behind the desk was annoyed with a dignitary in front of me for some reason. There was a problem with his paperwork. On one hand, I was glad she wasn’t allowing just anyone to pass through, but on the other, I knew he was getting frustrated and angry and I was already feeling a bit out of my comfort zone. We got through the paperwork and getting our luggage and finally met Sintayew, our lawyer.

I asked someone if they knew him, as we missed seeing him holding the sign. I think he overheard me and came over. He said he was standing there holding the sign and we missed him. Anyway, we were off to the van, after tipping some men for “helping” us with our luggage. We met Ephraim, who would be our driver for the week. He didn’t speak much English, but we didn’t speak any Ahmaric, so who could fault him. He was a sweet man.
As we drove to the guest home, Sintayew asked if we’d like to see our children. I immediately said, “YES!”. I don’t even remember hearing Jim’s reply. I took a deep breath and settled into my seat. All was well-I would see my babies today.

We settled into our rooms in the guest home. It was a beautiful place. We had two bedrooms and a bathroom. We had two cribs waiting for our children. I don’t remember much of the wait, except for the things I managed to scratch in my journal. We were told Ephraim was ready to take us to the orphanage.

We got our first taste of the roads in Addis. There are no road signs, no stop lights, and few if any lines on the road. Interestingly enough, it didn’t really bother me. It reminded me of being in Guatemala City a year prior, and I loved it. As we drove down the road, I saw the “Toukoul” orphanage sign as we approached. We turned onto a dusty little road, waited for an animal to move (I think it was a goat.) and were ushered through the blue gate of the orphanage. Once inside, we were taken to the guest room for our first meeting with Kibrom and Feven.

While our friends prepared the video camera and regular camera, we were pretty much overwhelmed. There were so many emotions zipping through our bodies. Again, a surreal moment. Much like Jim coming to my workplace and telling me about our referral. Much like getting the phone call that we passed court. Much like landing in Ethiopia. And here we are. This is it. The moment we’d been waiting for. Our eyes stayed glued on the door through which they would enter with our babies. And then it happened.

Two nannies entered through the door with our children. Words can’t describe it. Only through our photos do tears and stunned looks of amazement allow one to imagine what we were feeling. We each took one into our arms. Now, for months prior, I had coached myself on how not to cry when I met them so they wouldn’t be scared. Well, as soon as I held Ana/Feven in my arms, hot tears poured down my face. I couldn’t believe I got to be the mom in this moment. I couldn’t believe God chose me. Why me, Lord? Thank you, Lord-I whispered in my heart.

Jim and I took turns holding each one. Our friends graciously stood back, took video, and watched this family grow. The both smiled and laughed as though they’d been waiting for us. It was amazing.

Feven’s/Ana’s hair was straight. She was wearing a yellow outfit. She was so tiny and so cute. She was small but mighty. She could army crawl and roll over. She loved my tree pendant on my necklace and played with it every time I held her in Ethiopia. She had sad-looking eyes when she wasn’t smiling. I actually asked Jim if he thought she might have Down’s Syndrome. Looking back now, it is only by God’s grace that this little girl smiled. From this moment on for many months, every time she met a stranger or went to an unfamiliar place, she stuck her hand in her mouth and froze.

Kibrom’s/Gabriel’s hair was curly. He was wearing a pink outfit. He was skinny and tiny. He didn’t do anything but sit in your arms and look cute. He smiled and laughed, despite a very raspy cough.

They both had scabies and diarrhea, which really wasn’t a big deal, except for the blow-outs on the plane ride home.

We studied them and wondered over them for a little over an hour. It was time to go back to the guest house and decompress. We had met our children.

Meaning of Their Names
God clearly showed us their names in November of 2007. At the time, we only knew Gabriel John and Anna. Over time, God gave us Grace as a middle name for Ana. Feven and Kibrom are their Ethiopian names. We chose to spell Ana's name with one "n", as this is how it's spelled in Guatemala. We met a little girl in Guatemala whose name was Ana and God drew my heart to hers.

When I looked up the meanings for the first time, I was amazed at what I found. It was clear that God had a plan for these two little ones.

Ana~ Grace
Grace~ Favor
Feven (given Ethiopian name)~ brilliant

Gabriel~ God is my might
John~ God is gracious
Kibrom (given Ethiopian name)~ Our pride

I recently read that God doesn't call us to a thing, that is, a mission, an occupation, adoption, whatever. No, He calls us to Himself.

We praise you, God, for who you are and inviting us in.

We praise you for your Amazing Grace.

A Year Ago...

2011-01-30T04:51:00.001-08:00

On January 29, 2010, we flew out of JFK, headed for Dubai, UAE. We were filled with all kinds of crazy emotions.

On January 31, we landed in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia and were taken to the YGF Guest House. We were finally in Ethiopia. It was a surreal moment.

A few hours later, we headed for Toukoul Orphanage to meet our son and daughter. We arrived at the orphanage and were ushered through the blue gate.

After waiting 10-15 minutes in the guest room, we met Gabriel John Kibrom Laubach and Ana Grace Feven Laubach for the the first time. (Gabriel is in pink. Ana is in yellow.)

Finally, we have our children in our arms. Two of our children remain on the other side of the world. Again, it was a surreal moment. No words can express the emotions that run through your body. Praising God for His goodness and this indescribable gift of family.

He indeed sets the lonely in families.

When Feelings Don't Match Loving Actions

2011-01-19T08:41:00.000-08:00

For the most part, my feelings match my actions. I've pretty much muddled my way through life following my feelings. I learned a few years ago that this may not be the most reliable way to live. I'm learning to trust in the One True God, rather than the god of feelings.

Today my feelings did not match what my daughter needed.

She cried. I pushed away. Not with my physical actions but with my emotions. I wanted this morning to be a place of quiet rest. I wanted it to revolve around me. I wanted to sit and drink coffee, read my bible, write, whatever...just a brief mental vacation. But my daughter needed something different. I tried to placate her with books, random toys, and such while I typed. Nothing worked. She just wanted, Me. Her mommy.

What do you choose in these moments when you literally feel as though you can't, but your head is telling you, you must? I'm not sure what others choose in these moments. I can't say I really thought through it, but I sat down and cried. As I cried, I started to tell God all the reasons I can't. I told him that my feelings did not match what Ana needs right now. I told him I'm totally dependent upon him for strength. I told him I'm a horrible excuse for a mother.

As I sat on the floor with tears streaming down my face, Ana and Gabriel came and sat on my lap. Gabriel brought a book. I thought it might be a book relevant to how I was feeling. Nope. It was a Barney book. But as we sat and I read and Ana traced my tears with her fingertip, I thought back to our time in Guatemala. I thought about sitting in Casa de Los Angelitos, the baby house, surrounded by 20 babies wondering how in the world the house mother does it. God showed me at the time that I can only ever do the next thing He puts in front of me. I repeated to myself, "Just do the next thing." It's really not that hard.

Yes, I realize this sounds so selfish. It is. I am selfish much of the time. I should be thinking about the needs of my children and what the Lord would have me do, rather than my own needs. Without Jesus, I can't even imagine what I'd be doing right now. I am so thankful that He never changes as my feelings and moods and actions ebb and flow. Thank you, Jesus, for being the rock. My refuge. The author and perfecter of our faith. The only one who is able.

*Side Note: This is a random happening, not an every day event in our home. I often get emails from people after I've shared the harder part of mothering and adoption, saying how sorry they are for my difficulty. Please, please, don't be sorry. There are so many moments of pure joy in mothering. So so many. Please feel free to pray for me and all mothers, as well.

They Found Him!

2011-01-13T03:35:00.001-08:00

Davids' (I believe his name is Davids, not David.) family found him.

You can read about it HERE

We praise you, God. We praise you for who you are. We praise you for allowing this family to welcome another child into their home.

Urgent Need for Family to Find Him

2011-01-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

You can read the post here about this young boy whose family needs to find him.

Fear

2011-01-07T03:13:00.000-08:00

God is the creator of feelings.
But, "Feelings make a better caboose than an engine."
(taken from a sermon @ Freedom Fellowship church)

Who Leads-God or My Feelings (Me)?
I often choose to lead with my feelings and allow my worship to follow. My initial feelings when starting something new are fear and doubt. I fear failure. I doubt who I am. I doubt who God is. When fear leads, the sure destination is the bottomless, ugly destination of self. God never intends for fear to lead a work He's predestined. There is no fear in love, He says, and God is love. He Leads. He sees it through, for His name's sake. When God leads, the destination is life. Fresh and Cleansing, Breath-Giving Eternal Life and He receives the glory.

Pulled From an Ash Heap
1 Samuel 2:8 He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap...
When God pulled me out of the ash heap and I accepted this free gift, I was not only accepting salvation, but I was accepting to worship him with all of my life, all of my being. If I truly understand what he has done for me, I will not try and barter with God to see how much of me he receives. I will fall down on my knees and lavish everything I have on Him. My alabaster jar. My two coins. Everything.

Our feelings, words, and actions may show otherwise, but Jesus calls for total devotion. In Matthew He said, "If anyone would come after me, he must take up his cross and follow me." And he said, "Anyone who loves his son or daughter is not worthy of me." And, "whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake, will find it."

Paul reminds us that our lives are now hidden with Christ in God. (Col. 3:3) Are you wondering the boundaries of how much of your life God seeks? All of it. Every. Single. Bit of it.
No leftovers. No crumbs. All of it.

God is Unchanging-We Stray
Our hearts are prone to wander. We stray like cats in the night, looking for our next meal. But God. God is unmoved. He is unchanging. He will not be swayed by our fickle feelings or prideful attitudes. At the point of decision-in determining who I will worship-I often want God to move. It's as if I want to stand on my pedestal, feet firmly planted with chin raised high. Oh, how prideful I can be. Oh, how we should praise God for his grace and mercy, his patience and endurance, with his rebellious children.

God Knows We Will Fear
As God told Joshua, He tells us over and over again: Fear Not. Be of courage. This often is not a rebuke but an encouragement. It's as if He beckons to us in grace: Move forward. Go beyond your feelings of fear and doubt. You'll find me, right here, waiting.

Can You Trust Fully Trust God?
For His name sake, Yes. It's not because of anything we can be or do. For His name's sake, He will accomplish all that He desires.
In His grace and mercy, He has shown me the danger of not following Him. Not loving him. Not worshipping Him with everything He has given me. To live without him is death.

You Were Made For This
Ephesians 2:10 says He predestined the good works He's set before me. Whether it be marriage, children, singing, playing guitar, writing, whatever it may be-He has predestined it. I need not fear failure. I will not be perfect in any of these things, but Christ, He is perfect. He will do it for His name's sake, not mine. And the purpose of this work is not my accomplishment of a task. My purpose in the work is to glorify Him. His purpose is to glorify Himself in the work, not me. In glorifying Him, I receive joy. I receive the pleasure of knowing more and more of Who He is. He gives me Himself.

Have you ever wondered why God created you? We were created to glorify Him. In living for God's glory, not my own, I receive my deepest satisfaction, my deepest joy.

I pray that we choose to move past our feelings of fear. That is, fear of man, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, and choose instead to Fear Him, the One True God. To fear this wonderful creator, author, and perfecter of our faith. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Amen

His Family Found Him!

2011-01-04T16:24:00.000-08:00

Yes. It's true. He's found his family, or more accurately, I should say his family found him.

We praise you, God. May it all be for your glory, alone.

Check out the post here.

Is This Your Son?

2010-12-31T04:51:00.000-08:00

Please read and pray for this young boy...just 13. He literally has 10 days left before he ages out of the system and can no longer be adopted. For those of you with children, what if it was your child? For those of you with no children, what if it was you? Take yourself back to age 13. What were you doing? Would you have chosen to go through life without a family?

Pray. Praise God. Pray. Praise God. Pray. Praise. Pray. Praise. Pray. Praise. Pray...

God you are faithful. You are love. We pray for a family for "Kevin". Your word says you set the lonely in families. We trust in you Lord. Your will, not ours be done. May your grace be put on display in "Kevin's" life and may you receive all the glory. In the name of Jesus, we pray.

Sometimes you have control of the hair...

2010-12-28T06:45:00.000-08:00

and sometimes it's controlling you.

What a difference a year makes...

2010-12-25T06:28:00.000-08:00

One year ago, the older kiddos were eagerly anticipating the arrival of their brother and sister...look at them now. Merry Christmas.

The Sanctifying Work of God

2010-12-17T03:22:00.000-08:00

The words roll in my mind as if on a ferris wheel, going round and round, each having their separate seat, yet they are intertwined like children on a Twister mat. How do they fit together, Lord?

The Words~Sanctification, Purify, Refine, Holy...

How do they work in the life of a believer? Who is the worker? Who is the receiver?

I prayed to you Lord, that for my whole life, you will take me more deeply into the gospel. You are faithful.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Sanctification-such a large word, one I've not heard often over the last decade, even in christian circles. What are the intricacies of it?

Sanctification: to cleanse or set apart for sacred use; to declare or make holy
(def. from NIV bible)

Sanctify them by the truth, Lord. Your word is truth. -John 17:17
So, I am sanctified by your truth, your word.

For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. -Hebrews 4:12
Is this why you want me to love your word, to soak in your word, to pray your word, to speak your word, to write your word, to teach your word to my children?

Jesus, you said to Paul, "I will rescue you from your own people and from the gentiles. I am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from darkness into light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me. -Acts 26:17-18
I am sanctified by my faith in you, Jesus-that is, my complete trust that you are who you say you are, you have done what you say you have done, and will do what you say you will do.

You say, Lord, in 1 Cor. 7 that an "unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

What about two believing spouses? Are we sanctified through each other? Do we need to be sanctified through each other? Are we a stronger unit because we each believe you are who you say your are and will do what you say you will do?

Can circumstances sanctify? I don't know that they can without the working of the Holy Spirit, the reading and hearing of the word of Truth, faith in you, the marriage covenant of a husband and wife.

Ahh, so many questions I have for you, Lord. And so it is, that today you've stopped my mind on the ferris wheel seat of sanctification and allowed me to peer more deeply into who you are and in this seeing more clearly who I am in you. Teach me, Lord. Search my heart and correct my thinking. Take me deeper into your gospel. I ask this in the name of Jesus, Amen.

And even now, Lord, as I ponder a title for this piece of ponderings, I understand more clearly that sanctification is solely from You. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for your amazing grace.

Words Pour Forth

2010-12-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

I think I might have the words bottled up inside. Deep down-longing to pour forth into the lives of others. I guard them, though. I will not allow them to pour without the strong discipline of my over-analytical, self-critical mind. I keep them at an arm's length because if they start coming, they may not stop. I'm caught between my heart beckoning me forward and my mind and fear causing me to stop.

How do writers connect the two, Lord?

Is it a fool who would put her heart into the world to be stepped upon, broken, criticized?

Or, is it a fool who will not?

I've learned that being a follower means I will disregard "followers".

I've learned that You, Lord, are my audience. Those reading are special spectators, yearning to know more of who you are. Draw them in, Lord. Draw them to you. Give them ears to hear and eyes to see.

So, tonight I drink from the everlasting well, and pour forth the words from the well of my heart. I understand that my heart is deceitful, so I rely on the One who is ever faithful.

Only you Lord, are faithful and true.

May your Truth pour forth and my words be quenched. Your will, Father, not mine, be done.

Correctly Handling the Word of Truth

2010-12-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

2 Timothy 2:15-17a Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. Avoid Godless chatter because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly. Their teaching will spread like gangrene. Among them are Hymenaueus and Philetus, who have wandered away the truth.

These words have me trembling these last few days. I'm learning how each word I say, each word I write, matters. And to add to this, each action I take or don't take, matters. God has entrusted me with such an awesome responsibility in calling me to be a wife and mother and allowing me to have others in a circle of influence around me. Each of us have this influence-for good or for evil. I know that I work from a place of grace, a gift given that I can never repay. (Eph. 2:5) A gift given through Jesus Christ, dying on the cross for me, and becoming the ransom for my sin. (Col. 2:13-15) I am so thankful God is sovereign, that is, in complete control. Yet, I do have a responsibility to handle God's Word correctly, and I will answer for the things I do and don't do, say and don't say. (Proverbs 24:12)

Dear God~Make us careful studiers of your word, lovers of your word, Lord. Help us to see where we reject your word. Thank you for your Word. Thank you, Jesus, for dying for us. It's in your name I ask all these things. Amen.

The Hard Days

2010-11-30T16:08:00.000-08:00

It's the hard days that cause me to write. The hard days-when the laundry's piled high, the toys litter the floor, and my heart seems as though it's breaking in a million pieces. Yes, the housework reflects my heart. The days when a child's face can bring me to my knees. It's how I process, I suppose.

I used to think the face of a child in an orphanage might shatter my heart, but the other day... The other day I was reminded of children who have no one and they live on their own. Children the age of my oldest son-ten years old. They're not even in an orphanage with adults to care for them or food to sustain them. These are the days when I ask, "How Lord, how can we care for so many?" And He says, "One. One at a time." You do the work I set before you. One at a time."

Are the hard days so hard because I'm relying on myself. Have I forgotten who my Father is? Have I forgotten what Jesus has done for me?

I have begun to think that it is not too small a thing to focus all my energies and affections on the cross of Christ. When I look elsewhere, to the right or to the left, I feel discouraged. I must focus on the Cross because what I feel is not an accurate reflection of whose I am or who I am and most importantly who He is.

Dear God~In the name of Jesus, I ask for your grace and mercy, as I turn from myself and my feelings to You. I ask for forgiveness for relying on anything other than you. Amen

He Died: A Real Miracle

2010-09-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

Today I listened to James MacDonald during a broadcast, Walk in the Word. Right now he's going through a series on Revelation. Today he continued to speak about Christ revealing who he is, as written in Revelation 1.

In Revelation, after John describes Jesus, he says "he fell at his feet as though dead." MacDonald spoke about how we have this attitude of, "When I see Jesus, I'm going to ask him a few questions." Really?! It's almost as if we have an arrogance about us and we walk around saying what we'll do when we see Jesus face to face. It caught me. I stopped and thought about it for a while. What will I do? Will I fall to my face as if dead? What does Jesus do when John falls to his face? He places his hand on him and tells him to stop fearing. When you meet with Jesus, what do you really have to fear? Jesus says, "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead..." I stop here at this miracle: "I was dead". MacDonald says this is the real miracle, that he died. Jesus, being all he is, in all his glory- he died. He died for you. For me. For all who would believe in Him. Today I rest in this. He is the first and the last, the Living One, who holds the keys to death and Hades. And, he died for us.

Were You Abused in Childhood? There is a way out of the darkness.

2010-08-12T04:39:00.000-07:00

This may be the last post I ever write on this blog. God is teaching me about boundaries, and the path may include to quit writing on this blog. If it is the last post, I want you to hear this if you've been abused in childhood:

If you have been abused in childhood, the shame and guilt you feel is normal. The difficulty with relationships is normal. The pain and confusion you feel is normal. While all these things are normal, God does not desire for you to stay where you are emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I know the way out of it seems much more difficult and painful than just staying where you are. That is a lie. Satan loves to keep those of us who were abused in a state of immobility. He will tell you you're never going to feel normal like everyone else. He'll tell you things will always be the way they are right now. You have a choice. You can believe your feelings or you can believe God's Word. God promises in 1 Corinthians 10:13, that when you are tempted, he will provide a way out. If you're tempted to remain where you are, He will provide a way out. He is faithful and true. (Rev. 19:11) You are not the only one. Statistics show that approximately 1 in 4 women have been abused. (Have heard this a few times...don't have a reference.) Jesus tells us in John 14:6 (emphasis mine), I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except through me. Jesus is the way out.

One of the most effective lies at keeping me immobile was - "I did not trust God if I needed a counselor for help." I have experienced myself and read several times from others, the importance of one who has been abused going to a christian counselor. I am not saying everyone needs one, because God can do anything, in whatever way he chooses. However, if you are considering going, but haven't taken the step because of fear, just go. The following steps were helpful for me. I don't believe this is "thee" path, but hopefully in sharing, it will give you help you.

1. Came to a point where I had done everything I knew to do (read books, bible study, prayer, individual counseling w/ pastor, talked w/ friends), and I knew I still was not healing. I was circling around and around.

2. Came to a point where I thought I might go over the edge. I wasn't sure what that meant. I was not suicidal, but I felt as though I might be one step away from my brain flying apart in a million pieces.

3. God brought a particular christian counselor into my life through a friend. She had been seeing him. I trusted her, so I thought he might be trustworthy.

4. I called the counselor and made an appt.

5. I freaked. I called my pastor, talked w/ my husband. I had my mind made up that this counselor, for sure, was a perpetrator in disguise. (This is the label most men received in my life at the time. All were suspect and none were safe.)

6. I went to the appt. It was not easy. But w/ each appt., a small crack in darkness appeared, and I could see a little more light w/ each step. I began to trust my counselor a little more each time. When I would leave, I would want to thank him. As I recall, he never said, "You're welcome." He knew who was doing the healing, and it wasn't him.

7. Healing began over a period of several months and it continues today. Through the counselor and books he recommended, God healed many parts of me. I actually came to the point where I woke up one day and knew I could breathe freely. I wanted to run out into the day and shout for joy. At one point, I was settled to say, I was healed completely. I don't know if this is a totally true statement. I believe I may continue to walk out healing the rest of my time on earth. I do know that in Jesus' blood, we have redemption...(Eph. 1:7) I know that I have died and my life is now hidden with Christ in God. (Col. 3:3) I know that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. (Isaiah 61:1)

~To God alone be the glory for my healing and yours.

Ang

The Knots

2010-08-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

The words of someone else from the unspoken depths of my heart. Praise God for this person who so wonderfully put into words what my heart desperately wanted to utter today.

The Knots Poem

Please untie the knots that are in my mind
my heart and my life.
Remove the have-nots, can-nots, and do-nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will-nots, may-nots,
and might-nots
that may find a home in my heart.

Release me from the could-nots, would-nots,
and should-nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all, Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind,
my heart, and my life,
all the am-nots
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought that I am not good enough.

Amen.
Author Known to God

Acts 4:29

2010-08-07T05:38:00.000-07:00

Camp Wounded-dedicated to the hurting

2010-08-02T05:53:00.000-07:00

Camp Wounded~dedicated to the hurting
I had lived at Camp Wounded since the age of 10. At Camp Wounded, no visitors came in, and I rarely went out. Walls were erected high around the camp. If anyone knocked on the gate, sometimes I dared to open it a crack, only to slam it shut on the person’s requests to come in. I would pace Camp Wounded, replaying all the times the abuse came. I would think and cry and think and cry. I wanted so badly to leave Camp Wounded, but I didn’t know the way out. To even think of trying to explain it to another soul was heart-wrenching and nearly unthinkable, so I supposed I would live my life and eventually die at Camp Wounded.

But, one day, there was a different sounding knock at the gate. It wasn’t the loud clamoring knock; I heard when most people came. It was a quiet, beckoning knock. It was as if the one knocking knew I was inside, dying to come out. I was drawn to the gate. As I cracked the gate door just enough to hear voice of the one at the gate, he spoke. He offered me freedom from Camp Wounded, but I would need to work with him. I would need to allow him to demolish the walls erected around the camp. He was offering to come in if I accepted, yet he would not start the demolition until I agreed. I allowed the gate to stand open just a crack and then paced around the Camp. Could I really do this? Could I accept this help? It seemed foolish to trust this stranger, especially since he had only spoken a few words, yet foolish not to. What if he hurt me? What if he was just trying to get into Camp Wounded to do what had been done to me before? What if he left in the middle of his work? Abandoned again. Then what? Half demolished walls would need rebuilt. What if he uncovered the shame and guilt? This went on for two days. Pacing, questioning, crying, yelling-partly to myself, partly to the wind, and I suppose, partly to him. I would periodically return to the gate to see if he had left. Each time I returned to the gate, he was still there, patiently waiting. I don’t know what made me make the decision I chose. I suppose it was the fear of dying at Camp Wounded. I suppose I figured if I left him in and he hurt me or abandoned his work in the middle, I was no worse off. After two days of anguish, I went to the gate and opened the door. I asked him to come in. He brought nothing with him. No tools. No equipment. Just him.

“How are you going to do this without the necessary equipment?” I asked.

“Renovations of the heart take nothing but me, child,” he replied.

“What, what, the heart?” I didn’t ask you in to do anything to my heart. It’s the walls. I want the walls torn down. The walls that people built to keep me inside,” I cried and screamed in frustration.

“Child, others didn’t build these walls,” he said, “you did”.

“Me!?” I screamed. “Me? I knew it. You’re just like all the others. You want to blame me for what happened to me.” He drew a breath to speak, but I continued on. “How could I, a child the age of 5, have done that? It wasn’t my fault!” The last words echoed around the camp, bringing cries from the depths of my soul to the surface. I dropped to the ground and sobbed. I felt him near me. He wasn’t speaking. I was half expecting him to walk out. When I peered up through tears, to see where he had gone, he standing over me, crying. He knelt to the ground, squared his face with mine, and looked me in the eyes, and then he spoke.

“Child, I know it wasn’t your fault. I was there. I saw every single thing that happened. I hurt just as you did, even more. When I see a child hurting, it breaks my heart.”
His words sounded sincere, as ones that can be trusted. Then I asked him the question I had asked myself at least a hundred times before.

“Then, why didn’t you stop it?”

He responded. “Child, you’ll not understand the why, even if I try to explain it in every possible way.”

I just stood and looked at him, not knowing where we could possibly go from here. Trapped again. Could I really trust this man to start the work who could have certainly stopped the hurt, not to mention, prevented it?

“Just follow me, child. Learn more of who I am and the work I do, rather than asking why. I can be trusted to finish the work I’ve started.”

“The work you’ve started?” I questioned. “No work has been done.”

“Yes child, the most important step in the work has already been taken. You’ve allowed me to come in.”

Is Family Worth More than a Trifle?

2010-07-31T03:49:00.000-07:00

As my family shopped last evening for a few camping items and other items for our house, I came across a trifle bowl. I've been wanting one for months and never picked one up. When I found it, I showed my husband, and he said, "Sure, go ahead and buy it, if you think you need it." Do I need it? Hmmm. I suppose not. But, can't I just want something? Just this once. (Slight exaggeration-I want things All the time ie. coffee, new floor, naps, and the list goes on and on). So as we drove home, I became quiet, and I suppose a bit angry. I knew in my head it was ridiculous to be angry over a trifle bowl. The funny thing was, I didn't know who I was angry with: my husband for asking the question, myself for wanting it, or God for not allowing me to have it. I knew there was a bigger issue at hand than the trifle bowl, but I didn't know what it was. I'm not sure that I know all the implications today, but I learned something through this seemingly ridiculous experience.

How many times in my life do I choose the trifle bowl over what really matters, for now, we'll call what really matters, "the pan of brownies"? What would the purpose be behind the trifle bowl? It would look pretty. I could prepare beautiful desserts. My friends and family would be impressed. And there you have it. Two sinful deceptions I deal with in my life: pleasure and position. What would the benefits be of a simple pan of brownies? They're quick, leaving me more time with my family. They're nonimpressive, leaving no room for anyone to think about me while they're eating them. They're still delicious, allowing us to give thanks for simple pleasures.

As I thought of the parallel of the "Great Dessert Display Dilemma", I thought of my life, and how God often asks me to choose the simple pan of brownies-the important things in life, the eternal things, and every ounce of my being screams for the trifle bowl-the unimportant, the temporary.

I want to go to a quiet beach somewhere in the Outer Banks. God tells me that a quiet retreat to the mountains close to home is best. I want a few new shirts. God tells me that several shirts I own is best. I want to live in a quiet place in the country with a little land, and God says that our home in the middle of town is best. I want to see my kids graduate from high school and spend the last part of my life here on earth, quietly with my husband, sitting on the porch swing hand-in-hand, but God says there may be other things in store that might disrupt our "quiet simple life" in later years.

No, God's best and my desires do not always match. But, I do trust that His ways are the best ways. It is a constant laying down of my life, including my wants and my desires on a daily basis.

Do I really need more evidence than this?

Thank you, Lord, for showing me what is best, even when I pout like a baby. Thank you Lord, for loving me enough to discipline me. Show me how to do the same with my children, Lord. Thank you for everything. Every single thing you give and every single thing you don't. I love you, Lord.

And because God always says it best,
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear? For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ~Matthew 6:19-33

When Praying is a Disguise for Distrust in Your Heart

2010-07-30T03:25:00.000-07:00

Has God ever called you to something repeatedly and you pray and pray and then pray some more, just to be sure He's really calling you to it? And then, when He tells you, "Yes, child, I'm calling you to this" you go and pray some more. The pattern repeats itself until one day you realize you might be stepping into the land of disobedience.

In Numbers 13, the Israelites were in the desert and the Lord told Moses to send men to explore Canaan, which the Lord told Moses He was giving to the Israelites. So Moses sent out the leader of each of the tribes, 12 in all. He sent Reuben, Simeon, Caleb, Igal, Hoshea (Joshua), Palti, Gaddiel, Gaddi, Ammiel, Sethur, Nahbi, and Geuel. Moses sent them out and told them to explore the land and the people-to get to know both and to bring back some fruit. So, for 40 days, the 12 went up, explored, gathered fruit, and returned. When they returned, they gave the report-it does have fruit, but there are giants present. One man, Caleb, spoke up and told them they should still go up and take possession because they could do it. Lest you think Caleb was relying on his own strength to do this, we find that his heart was set whole-heartedly on following God (Numbers 14:24) But the men who had gone up with him said, "We can't..."

How many times in my life, have I listened to the majority, rather than following what God tells me? How many times has God shown me He is leading me to a new Canaan, only for me to see the giants and turn back?

I know God calls us to pray without ceasing. I know Jesus prayed alone to His Father. I know praying is communicating with God. But I believe it's always about our heart, where our heart is on an issue. For example, when we were praying about adoption, God had made it clear to us that it what we were to do. What if we were still praying today, just to be sure, it's really what he would have us do?

Sometimes my praying is not because I want to know what God would say, it's because I don't trust Him. I think I often trust my husband or my friends more quickly than I trust what God is saying to me. There is a particular thing I believe the Lord has called me to. I have reacted similarly to the people who heard the report from the 12 leaders who explored the land. They listened to the majority, rather than trusting God. I have practically declared that I can't do the thing. Like them, I've wept over it. Like them, I grumbled. Like them, I said I just knew I would "die" doing this thing-out of embarrassment-yes, my positiion still is important to me, apparently...ergghhh.

Today I ask myself, Do I really want the Lord to ask me, as He asked them, "How long will you treat me with contempt? How long will you refuse to believe in me, despite all the miraculous signs I have performed among you?

Do you know what happened to the people who didn't trust, who had contempt for God? God promised that they would never see the land he promised to their forefathers. Never.

To me, the thing the Lord is calling me to, has seemed optional in the past. There are so many other people who do it, and I assume can do it with more skill than me. But when I look back on adoption, or quitting my job, or selling our house...anything the Lord has called us to worth eternal treasure, each one initially seemed optional.

Is God's Will, His best for me, really optional?

Oh God, make me a Joshua or a Caleb or a Mary. Make me someone who obeys you without question. Lord, grant me discipline. Grant me wisdom and listening ears, especially from my husband and ultimately from you. Help each of us Lord, to trust you in the new "land" you are calling each of us to today. May we not listen to the majority or grumble and practically declare ourselves as good as dead, as the Isrealites did. Lord, I pray that all honor and glory are yours alone.

Abide: to remain, to stay

2010-07-25T03:15:00.000-07:00

"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ~John 15:5

It is in this quiet place, that the Lord calls to me and reminds me of who He has created me to be. As the early morning surrounds me, quietness remains, and the Lord beckons me to come. During this time, I sit. I listen. I wonder. I gaze. Tears flow out of grace. It's been some time that I've had quiet, uninterrupted time with Him, but once again by His grace, I long to touch the face of Jesus. To walk side by side, questioning, laughing, just being. He dwells in my inmost being. He surrounds me with who He is. Keep me abiding, Lord.

What if God didn't take the risk on me?

2010-07-24T04:54:00.001-07:00

What if God had thought I was too risky, I had been through too much, I might not attach to Him, that I might cost too much?

The cost of adoption, financially, is typically thousands of dollars. Is it worth it?

The cost of adoption, the surrender of your will, well, it's difficult. Is it worth it?

The cost of your adoption as a child of God was the death of God's son. Was it worth it?

Adoption. Yes, for eternity, it's worth it.

Are you a family, looking for your boy?

2010-07-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Idris (pronounced Id-drees) is 13 years old and lives in Pennsylvania. His adoptive family has not yet found him, though. He is legally free for adoption. You can click HERE and read his profile. You'll have to search for his face among the other children, and click on his photo, as I can't figure out another way to show it.

A brief description of him states that he is smart, friendly, polite, respectful, and protective of younger children. He enjoys watching movies, playing board games, and performing magic tricks. Feeling safe is important to him.

Proverbs 31:8 Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.

Any of You Who Does Not Give up EVERYTHING...

2010-07-13T04:56:00.000-07:00

"In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:33

"....If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?"
Matthew 16:24-26

Could my "everything" mean: the ideas I have of how many children I will "choose" to have, the way my house appears, my reputation, friendships, flying in an airplane again, having "me" time, having just the right amount of time with my husband, playing guitar

These are things I'm currently learning that are a part of the everything Jesus is talking about in my life. Just until a few days ago, I was certain that we were done having children. It is not easy having two babies the age of one. Duh?! Not that I thought it would be-it's just living out the reality of it. A week ago, our oldest son announced that he thinks we should adopt again. A two-year old. From Guatemala or the United States. When he said it, I knew. I knew God was asking me to open my heart to the possibility. I literally put my fingers in my ears and sang, "La-la-la-la-la." I considered for a nanosecond what it would be like to have another child and put it out of my mind. But. Here's the BUT. God is opening my heart to the possibility. I vacillate between two thoughts, "How could we not?" and "How could we?" The babies have only been home for 5 months, so I don't expect it to happen over night, but still. It scares me half to death. I pray often that I will be like Mary or Joshua. They did just what the Lord said with trusting hearts. Will I trust?

Hey, Snyders!

2010-07-13T04:54:00.000-07:00

I can't post a comment on your blog for some reason. Do you have email? I was So excited to see your blog. We must get together soon :-) You can email me @ ministree333@yahoo.com

Amazing Grace~God's Story-We just get to tell it.

2010-07-11T04:05:00.000-07:00

One year ago today on July 11, 2009, my husband and I were boarding a plane to Guatemala. One year ago today on July 11, 2009, a baby boy was born half way around the world in Ethiopia. That little boy is our Gabriel.

In November 2007, God first spoke to me through prayer about a little boy named Gabriel who lived somewhere that had to do with angels, somewhere around El Salvador, Honduras, or Guatemala. He also said the name Ana. That was it. We started praying fervently, trying to find out who this little boy was. The name Ana was there, but didn't seem as prevalent. We searched, and we found a little boy who the Holy Spirit lead us to pursue. Some people have assumed that I was going on a hunch and that because we didn't adopt Gabriel from Guatemala, I was wrong in what I "thought" I heard from the Lord. I certainly don't claim to be right even most of the time, and I don't claim to know all the Lord is doing in my life, but if you've ever been convicted of doing something and there's a burden in your heart, you know what I mean. I had a burning desire to find him, this little boy. We prayed for him. We pursued adopting him. Ultimately God's plan was so much better. He reunited him with his family.

After Gabriel returned to his family, we still had a burning for Guatemala and adoption. We knew God had laid adoption on our hearts, but we didn't know from where we would adopt. We considered waiting for Guatemala to reopen it's doors to adoption (they closed in Dec. 07 to the US and adoption remains closed at this time), and we started praying about where God would lead us. He lead us to Ethiopia. He also gave us the opportunity to begin planning a trip to Casa Bernabe, in Guatemala, the orphanage where Gabriel once lived.

On July 11, 2009, a team of 20 people from First Lutheran Church, boarded a plane to Casa Bernabe. A full continent away, a baby boy was being born at about the same time-our son, Gabriel. I was SO nervous to fly. It was my first flight. My friend, Kristin, sat beside me, calming my fears, telling me what to expect. She made me laugh, and I needed it. There was a point when she fell asleep, and I was sitting, just letting my fears get the best of me. Jim was sitting a few rows in front of me because our seats got mixed up at the airport. He called back to me and asked me to come up to him. I was seriously thinking, "You must be nuts if you think I'm getting out of this seat." But he beckoned me to come. I reluctantly unbuckled and went to him. He handed me his journal and told me I was to read it. As I sat back in my seat and started reading his journal entry from months beforehand, the tears rolled. He spoke of Gabriel in Guatemala, and he spoke of adoption. How could I be fearful? The God who orchestrated all of these events knows the number of hairs on my head. From that moment on, I calmed down and enjoyed the flight. I'll never forget our reactions when we flew into Guatemala. It was joy mixed with amazement. Kristin was about to meet the little girl her family sponsored, and I was about to meet the people who cared for Gabriel, the little boy who God used to lead us on the path to adoption.

The week at Casa Bernabe was just so amazing. If you have a heart for orphans, and you don't know where to serve, check them out HERE. They receive many many visitors from the US. Most of the staff speaks English, and it's just a wonderful place to be.

On January 29, 2010, my husband and I, along with two of our friends, boarded a plane to pick up Ana and Gabriel. I was nervous on the plane but nothing like Guatemala. I had the babies on my mind, much more than I did the plane. I had also had some lessons the few months prior in God being God and me not being God, so my heart was a bit different this time. I can't explain seeing the babies for the first time. I will just say that you know the moments that God gives you here on earth when you can't believe you are part of something so beautiful? It was one of those moments.

Today we are celebrating the birth of Gabriel. Today we celebrate God's goodness. His love. His mercy. And yes, His amazing Grace. For there is nothing, absolutely nothing, we could have done to orchestrate such a life as the one He's given us. There is nothing good in us, yet, He chose us, through His son's death on the cross, to be holy and blameless in His Sight. And this is all to the praise of HIS GLORIOUS GRACE.

Ephesians 1:4-6 For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-to the praise of His glorious grace, which He has freely given us in the One He loves.

This is Gabriel, in his daddy's arms, for the very first time. Oh my how he has grown since this day. He is now pulling up on things, saying da da, mom mom, clap, e-i-e-i-o, and hi. We are so very blessed to have him as our son. Happy Birthday, Gabriel. We love you.

(I hope to update with recent photos soon.)

Wives, submit to your husbands...

2010-07-08T05:03:00.000-07:00

"Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord." ~Ephesians 5:22

I'll never forget the look I turned and gave to the congregation on the day of our wedding when the pastor spoke of submitting to my husband. I looked back over my shoulder and rolled my eyes. At the time, it was funny. Now, it makes me sad and half sick in my stomach. I unknowingly made a mockery of God's plan for a wife in front of everyone who knew us. For years, I continued to believe the lie of the enemy that says "wives can be in control of their husbands"..."there's no harm in the wife making most of or even all of the decisions" "husbands should help their wives"...I could go on and on. For years I've not submitted to my husband. For years, I've been confused as to why I was frustrated most of the time.

When God started speaking to me about submission, I listened, but with my eyes half-closed and with fingers shoved in my ears. It's like when you go into a haunted house. You want to experience it, yet you're afraid of what you'll see and hear. Thankfully, God's ways are good (Psalm 119:68 You are good, and what you do is good...") and not scary.

God has been showing me His best for me as a wife through the last few months. He's been speaking to me through His Word, by conviction of the Holy Spirit, in listening to other wives and husbands, and through experiences in my marriage. I feel as though I'm on the submission roller coaster. I submit. I take charge. I submit. I take charge. And the pattern continues. There are times of great hills and times of deep valleys. Last night was a real winger of a night. I was wallowing in self-pity. I was going on and on in my thoughts and in my actions of how miserable I was. "I'm so hot, Lord. Why can't we have central air like we use to or like so and so." "I'm tired of cleaning up after everyone, especially my husband." "I'm tired of doing the same thing over and over with no signs of appreciation from my family." I stood in my laundry room, remembering the words of a friend, "Find something to be grateful for." I started listing them one by one, and the list could go on forever. Yet, my mind kept going back to MY misery, My sacrifice, My suffering. There's good reason that God tells us to "Fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."(Hebrews 12:2). I don't claim to know or understand all the reasons God tells us to fix our eyes on Jesus, but I do know that when my eyes are on Jesus, they're not on me.

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." ~1 Peter 3:1-2

When talking with women about submission, some have said "Submit..ha...you don't know my husband." Women of unbelieving husbands often say they don't know how to submit to a man who doesn't follow God's ways. I personally don't think it would be easy either, but the verse above from 1 Peter, makes it clear that if your husband does not believe the word, that he may be won over by your behavior. (By the way, my husband and I came to know the Lord as adults.)

How do we submit to our husbands during the times we don't feel so loved, even if it's most of the time? We pray. We trust. We lay down what we believe are our "rights" and things we think we deserve. We trust that God is ultimately in control, and He wants what is best for each of us.

I'm learning that marriage isn't meant to make me happy. It's meant to make me holy. There are times of wonderful joy in marriage, and there are times of suffering, too. My husband will not complete me. My husband will not make me happy. Neither will yours. Only Christ will complete us. Only in Christ will each of us find our deepest longings fulfilled.

(I would love to insert scripture here, but babies and older children await. I encourage to search out God's Truth in His Word.)

I don't claim to be the expert on submission. I'm just a wife, trying to learn how to love my husband the way God intends, and ultimately to love Him more and more through my marriage. Hold what I'm saying up to scripture, please. Feel free to leave comments or email (ministree333@yahoo.com), even if you don't agree, as I grow greatly from hearing from other women.

~Ang

Does God Really Get ALL the glory?

2010-06-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

Today my daughter quipped, "It just doesn't seem fair that God gets all the glory. I mean, can't we just get a little bit of it?" It sounds as though she was making a joke, but she was dead-serious. With a hidden smile on my face, I thought on that comment for a moment.

I know in my head that God gets all the glory-yes, Jules, ALL the glory. Sorry, baby girl.

However, do my actions match my head-knowledge? How many times have I acted or spoken to receive the glory due to God?

Isaiah 42:8
I am the Lord; that is my name. I will not give my glory to another or my praise to idols.

Revelation 5:12
In a loud voice they said,
"Worthy is the lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
and honor and glory and praise!"

Questions about God and Questions from God

2010-06-21T09:30:00.001-07:00

WHO are you, Lord?

I've asked this countless times in my life, but today it resonated deeply. Deeply into my being. Often when our family is discussing aspects of God, my daughter raises the question, "But, who created God? I just don't get it!" And there the question sits. It's as if a wall erects around her heart and will receive no further instruction.

But not today.

Today we were discussing the meaning of HOLY and PRAISE, stemming from the children's weekly bible verse from church. While studying the verse, we were lead to Genesis. In Genesis, it says, "In the beginning, God created..." As we read, more questions were raised such as: "Where was Jesus when God created the earth?
Where was He before he came to earth? Was He in heaven?
How can Jesus be God's son? Isn't God Jesus' dad, not Joseph?

And then it came-"But who created God!?" So today, instead of answering in my normal way (God wasn't created, He just is.") I waited. I waited for what God would say to her.

I hesitantly started,"In Isaiah 55, it says that our ways are not God's ways and our thoughts are not God's thoughts." And then, I heard a question roll off my tongue, "Will you let God be God?" It hit me in my innermost being.

Will you let God be God?

It's what He's been asking me over and over. Will you, Angie, let me be God in your life, the only god in your life? Will you give up control? Are you okay with serving a God who who you may not fully understand? Are you okay with serving a God who may not meet your every whim?

I'd love to answer, "Yes, God. I'm totally fine with it. I trust you with my whole being." But to be honest, I don't think I always am. I like to know the answer. I like to see the big picture. To be honest, I like to have my every whim met.

So, I'm learning, right along with the children, how to trust-even when we don't understand. How to trust-even when we may not receive all the answers. And we're learning how to praise-even when we don't have the feelings to back it up. Because-He is worthy. He is holy. He is God.

The Kingdom of Me

2010-05-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

There have been a few people who have shared their reading of this blog and have been in awe of my faith. Perhaps I've not been totally transparent, perhaps I've tried to keep up with other inspiring blogs of faith. Whatever the case may be, I'd like to share what the Lord is showing me, the yucky stuff and all.

I serve myself. Most of my thoughts are about myself. How can I be comfortable? What should I wear to look good? When will I get a nap? When will I get some time alone? When will I get to choose what I want to do?

Do you hear this? Blahhhck! These are some of my self-serving thoughts. I just started reading the book, "Dangerous Surrender" by Kaye Warren. I told one of my friends just two days ago that I probably shouldn't read it right now and had determined that I wouldn't pick it up until I was done resting for a while. Ha. There's this verse in the bible where Jesus goes off with His disciples. And the crowds follow Him. What does He do? He welcomes them. Oh, there have been so many times that I wish He had told them, just this once, to go away. (Luke 9:10,11)

Our family has been encouraged to rest countless times over the last few weeks. I do believe we are to rest, but sometimes I think my definition of rest and the Lord's Truth of rest are two different things. I picture myself having long, leisure naps and peaceful walks by myself. I'm not saying these are wrong, and I'm not saying rest is wrong, but these things would comprise a majority of my day. Yes, truth be told, if I had my way, I'd be alone for most of the day and go out and "serve" God when I felt I was ready. Do you hear me? I, I, I. Welcome to the kingdom of Ang.

The Lord asks me often, will you choose _______(could fill in with several things) or will you choose Me? He's speaking to me of surrender. I'm like, again, really Lord? I thought I surrendered everything. My job, my house, my comfortable family, my friends. What more could you possibly want? But, He says, You've not surrendered yourself: your moment-by moment thoughts, your dreams, your ambitions, your energy, your rest, your time. It's mine, Angie. All of it. If you will surrender it to me. I will teach you how to love outside of yourself.

How about you? Are you totally sold-out for Christ? I wish I were asking this to someone face to face. (There's my "I wish"...again..blah.) What does surrender look like to you? What does it mean to take up your cross? Yes, your cross? Not the cross of someone you think needs "fixing". I've tried that, too. In trying to avoid my own selfishness, I've tried to work on many others-my husband, my friends, my family. Oh my. I foolishly thought my cross was this one big thing, and that if I just surrendered that thing to Him each day, then all would be well. I'm learning that my daily cross comprises my thoughts, my desires, my emotions. Basically, all of me. My will.

I have no idea where surrender may take me. I don't really see the next step. I'm pretty much a "give me the big picture" gal, and I can work out the details. But-we walk by faith, not by sight, right? (2 Corinthians 5:7) In Kay Warren's book, she writes, "Surrender always leads to peace."
Hmmmm. I have to ponder that one for a while.

I've used my past abuse as a support that held certain walls in my life. This past weekend, my supports were taken away when I met two different women who were also repeatedly abused. So, I no longer can walk around with the attitude, "You don't know where I've been or what I've been through" because they do. I also met a woman who has no earthly family, other than a sister. There goes my crutch of, "My family's dysfunctional. You don't know what I've been through." All of these supports, these crutches, were attempts at protecting the kingdom of me. I somehow tried to prove I was strong through holding on to these self-serving thoughts.

Dear Lord~I can feel you breaking away things that stand between you and I. It's uncomfortable. It even hurts. Some days it hurts so badly I think I can't move forward. You're showing me how selfish I really am. You're showing me my attempts at preserving myself. I love you, Lord, and it is my desire to serve you and you alone. Break me of the things that I choose instead of you. Show me how you would have me live my life for you. I often choose the things that get me noticed. Forgive me, Lord. Help me to serve you, even if no one on earth gives me another "thank you". Help me to serve you in joy and peace. May you be made known and praised through my life on this earth. May I decrease and You increase in my life, Lord. I'm so focused on myself, I don't even know how to pray. Thank you for your grace, mercy, and love. Thank you, Jesus, for dying for this sinner. I love you.

Praying for Abby/Chrissie

2010-04-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

Please join in praying for Abby and Chrissie, two little girls, fighting for their lives, and their families. See the photo to the right.

Do the Next Thing

2010-04-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

As the day is drawing near to move into our new home, the tasks can seem overwhelming. I'm trying my best to walk day by day with the Lord and sometimes just moment by moment. I so appreciated this writing by Elisabeth Elliot~Do the Next Thing It's such a wonderful reminder, when you don't know what to do, just do the next thing.

Forget the former things...

2010-03-27T17:17:00.000-07:00

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." ~Isaiah 43:18-19

There was a moment that I remember distinctly, sometime last year, when I sat in this same chair telling my husband that I just believed things needed to change. I wasn't content with the way things were. Ha! Nearly everything in our lives has changed in the last month. When we came home from Ethiopia, obviously our family had changed from 4 to 6. Praise God. A few weeks after we arrived home, the kids and I were in an accident with a bus, yes, a bus. The van was gone. No one was hurt. Praise God. The van returned yesterday, all nice and new looking. Praise God. Prior to leaving for Ethiopia, we sold our house. Praise God. Yesterday a family accepted our offer to move to our new home on the same day we close on this one-April 30. Praise God. Yesterday I handed in my keys at work. I am officially (almost officially-just have to write the letter) a stay-at-home mom. Praise God. Julia and Cole love our new house. God renovated their hearts on this one over the last few months. I praise Him. God has called us to a new church. We praise Him, though we don't know where we're going for sure. He's allowed us to rest in a particular church which we love for a time. Truly we are praising the Lord moment by moment in this place.

Truth be told, this last month, and particularly the last few weeks have been incredibly difficult. I would like to say I was trusting that everything would work out, but I wasn't. I was doing some serious panicking and having major control issues over not knowing where we would live. In addition to this, all of us were sick by Jim. I'm not saying this to gain pity. One thing I learned over this past month is that complaining does not please the Lord. I felt a bit like the Israelites in the desert, complaining when God was supplying all of my needs. I was even eating "manna" each day, as I was having my own intestinal issues for a week. (I know-too much info.) The parallels with the Israelites were hard to digest, no pun intended. That was me. A big whiny cry baby, and for what? As Jim said yesterday, I knew the Lord would come through, I just didn't know how. Boy, I wish I could have been in that place of trust. But, as the title reads, He is making all things new. With that, I pray that He is building my trust of Him and Him alone. I pray that He will show me more of who He is and not who I make Him to be.

Everyone is doing well. Julia wants to move to the new house tomorrow. She has plans, baby, for that establishment. Cole has plans to start a gun rack business. Ana is pulling up on things. Gabriel is still sitting well and still laughing like crazy. Jim and I are trying to take things moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day. So thankful. So blessed with God's richest blessings.

Anyone Selling a House by Chance?

2010-03-16T16:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, we have until April 30 to be out of our home. Jim assures me the Lord knows where we're going. I'm getting a bit antsy. So, if you know of anyone selling a home in our neighborhood, give us a ring.

Doing Well

2010-03-06T12:00:00.001-08:00

Quick update to say we're doing well. The babies are falling into a routine, which is wonderful. They are both on soy milk, which has worked wonderfully in clearing up both congestion and rashes. Ana continues to become more mobile each day. She's army crawling and getting into everything. Gabriel is sitting well, though he's anxious to get moving, too. Cole and Julia are doing great! They are such wonderful helpers.

Smoother Sailing-thank you, Lord.

2010-02-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

After having sleep for the last few days, I feel normal again. Ana has had sleep, too. It seems that she was having some tummy pain that was causing the crying. Perhaps lactose intolerance, we're not sure on that. We've switched to soy formula. I don't know. I am just SO thankful that we're both sleeping, and daddy, too.

Jim is an amazing father. He is patient. He is kind. He is loving. He gives the kids and I his undivided attention. I learn so much about loving my children by watching him.

Reality of Adoption

2010-02-15T12:59:00.001-08:00

It's not all rainbows, unicorns, and confetti. I knew it in my head before, but now we're living it. Last night was a rough one. Ana was awake about every hour. Right now she's asleep, in her sling, attached to me. I find myself asking God questions on a moment by moment basis. I'm learning more about my weakness and my independence, and it's not pretty. I guess weakness is a good thing, but independence, yikes. I look back over some of the things I've done in the last year, heck even in the last day, and realize how much I rely on myself or others to get the job done. I'm learning about total dependence on the Lord for every breath. Someone recently said something like, "God always will have you in a position where you will have to trust Him if you're following Him." Trust. How do I trust Him completely? Do I trust Him completely? With everything?

I'm understanding the reality of adoption is joy and pain. Just like my adoption as God's child. I remember distinctly the day I rounded the corner on Newman Road on my way to work, and I gave Jesus my whole life. (I've since had to surrender my selfish desires many times.) I had no idea that day the joy and pain that would follow. The pain of looking back on my past, realizing how I must have grieved my Father every time I turned away from Him. The joy of realizing I am loved unconditionally, no strings attached. Do I really get it? Do I really know how much I'm loved? I look down at this precious babe in the sling attached to my hip. How could I not believe that my Father loves me more than I can imagine and that He loves to be gracious to me?

I look at Ana and Gabriel and wonder what they've been through in their little lives. It comforts me to know the Lord knows. He's not surprised by anything that happened or the fact that they are with us. It comforts me to know He knows all about me, especially during these times of transition when I'm not sure that I even know myself.

I am so thankful for this life. It is hard. But I know it is of Him. I'm learning.

Meeting the Babies

2010-02-12T12:58:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how to express the emotions that ran through my body as we sat on the couch of the guest room, waiting to meet the babies for the first time. I kept telling myself, "breathe, breathe". After waiting for what felt like an eternity, they brought them in. I heard them say, "Feven" first. And then, "Kibrom". Jim stood up right away, but my legs were failing me. I finally stood up and just went and just stared at them. I touched them. Smiled at them.

Oh my goodness. I couldn't believe in all the world, God chose these two precious ones to be mine to care for.

They were just absolutely perfect. Jim took Gabriel immediately. After a few moments, I took Ana. So much for not crying. I kept telling myself not to cry so I wouldn't scare them.

The tears poured down my cheeks. I couldn't stop kissing them and telling them how much I love them. Thank you, Lord.

PS. Gabriel is in pink :-)

Journaling our Journey-Day 1

2010-02-11T02:50:00.000-08:00

On Friday, January 31, C and J left with Meme at about noon. It was so hard seeing them go. Cole has been having difficulty with us leaving, so it made it especially hard. After they left I slumped on the chair and had myself a good cry. I think it was all of my emotions coming to a head. I pulled myself together, with Jim's help, and I don't really recall what we did until Clint and Tom came to pick us up to drive us to the airport. It was finally time. Rick and Cindy, our traveling companions, aka angels sent straight from heaven and our drivers, again, pure sweetness, arrived. I took the last few minutes before we left to clean J's room. It's kinda my thing. When I'm nervous, I clean, more like straighten. I get this weird craving to have everything around me neat and symmetrical. I have issues. Our flight on Emirates left around 11:30pm. If you haven't flown Emirates, you should. Wow, are they fantastic! On the way to Dubai (12 hour flight), we had a few meals, snacks, hot drinks. You also had your very own entertainment system. Crazy. I watched a few episodes of Friends (just for you, Ashley) and a movie or two. The crew on the plan was wonderful: young, sweet, and took care of your every whim. The hotel in Dubai was incredible. We landed at 8:30pm (their time). They gave us a meal ticket for dinner, a refreshment (for that late night craving-that's what I'm talkin' bout, and breakfast. The food was delicious, until I ate the hottest thing to ever touch my tongue. I thought it was a vegetable and ate the whole thing. Shamwow! I could feel it from my ears to my toes. Another funny, at dinner, Cindy didn't see them pour her water out of the bottle. So upon realizing this as she took her first mouthful of water, she held the water in a mouth for a few seconds and spit it back into the glass. Jim and I just stared at her. I was thinking the water must be gross. When she told us what had happened, it pretty funny.

We left in the morning at 8:30 am to travel to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. We were so excited! We weren't sure if we would meet the babies or not, so we were trying to keep our excitement at bay. We landed and made it through the airport. We were told to not allow men to help you with your bags unless you have birr (their currency) to tip them. So, what happens?. A few men come and put our luggage on a luggage rack to take it a few yards away. I was little confused b/c we were still in the airport and I didn't know if they were hired by the airport to help us or not. Communication was definitely an issue at various times. Cindy and I ended up exchanging our money for birr, the men wouldn't take no for an answer, and we tipped them. However, they followed us, telling us we didn't tip them enough. Not a good way to start the day in Addis. A man asked if he could help me. I told him I'm looking for our lawyer, Sintayew, from Dove Adoptions. Finally, a man came over, told us he is our lawyer, and said, "I was holding the sign. You didn't look at me." Apparently Rick was looking, but

Rick's so tall and our lawyer's on the short side, that Rick didn't see him. I think our lawyer realized I was going

to cry and eventually said that everything was okay. Jim thought it was a language barrier, not that he was upset with us. So, we're loaded in the van, meet our driver for the week (Ephraim), and Sintayew asks if we want to meet our children today. UH...YEAH!!! It was about a 5 minute drive to the YGF guesthouse where we stayed for the week. We unloaded our things and we went for lunch. My stomach was not feeling well (blame it on the pepper of death), but lunch looked delightful. Jim, Rick and Cindy enjoyed it. We had a few hours to kill while we waited to see the babies. It was finally time. We hopped into our van and off we went to Toukoul. The door is where the babies would enter.

Filled with Joy

2010-02-10T03:16:00.001-08:00

We're Home!

2010-02-07T03:53:00.000-08:00

Life is good, and God is Great.

We're home! It is SO good to have all 6 of us under the same roof. We're trying to get acclimated. A few photos to share, too.

Excitement and the Hard Part

2010-01-29T09:17:00.001-08:00

C and J just left with Meme. That was the hard part. I had to have a big 'ole cry when they left. I just love them so darn much. God continues to remind me to give them over to Him. That He is their provider, not me.

The excitement builds as we think of seeing A and G for the very first time.

We are praying for peace for the kids that surpasses all understanding.

See you when we return with two more blessings...

How do you pack...

2010-01-27T00:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, seriously. How do you pack for two babies? I have no idea how much they weigh at this point. We've not received an updated weight since the beginning of December. I'm told that some of the babies are being moved to a newer facility, so updates are a bit sparse. Which, I would normally be okay with that, it's just that there are so many variables to packing for these little ones. I know I need to turn this over to the Lord. I can't do it. Don't you love when you get to the point where you throw up your hands, scream aloud at God, and say, "I can't do this! You'll have to!" And He replies, "Finally."

What Is It Like?

2010-01-26T01:20:00.000-08:00

I'm wondering what it's like to see your baby's face for the first time? Of course, with C and J, I can picture it as though it was yesterday. Will it be different? I haven't seen photos of them for two months. Will they look as different now as they did in their updated photos? Am I really going to hold them and kiss them and whisper into their ears that I love them? How could this be? How could God be so good to allow us to experience this and so much more. For C and J-they will see the brother and sister they've been praying for for so very long.

I've been focused on so many other things: work, house, car, etc. I'm choosing to focus first on Jesus and my family. Everything else is just details, and I know God has the details covered.

It appears as though I'll be teaching on my last day of school. It's an interesting turn of events. My long-term substitute's child is sick, poor thing, so she's staying home today. I'm excited to see what the day brings. It will definitely be fun being in the saddle at least one more time :-) Thank you, Lord, that report cards were completed yesterday, and of course, praying for her child to feel better.

Our babies will be home soon...

2010-01-25T00:52:00.000-08:00

We leave in five days. In many ways, it feels like it's the most normal thing to do: to jump on a plane to Africa and bring our children home. In some ways, it seems surreal. I remember thinking as I stood in the Baby House in Guatemala that I could hardly believe that I would be allowed to take two babies home. Staring into the faces of the babies and toddlers while there was just beautiful...changing diapers, a necessary evil. I kept thinking, "Really? They'll let us leave with two beautiful children? Really? " So yes, it's true, really. It's what God does. It's who He is. Really. He sets the lonely in families.

He Loves You

2010-01-24T02:18:00.000-08:00

Dear One,

I don't know who you are, but He wants you to know that he sees you and He loves you. He sees your struggles. He sees your questions, your doubts. He loves you more than you could ever imagine. Though all may fail you, He loves you. Though times may be tough, though your father may not be, He loves you. You are worth more than rubies. You are worth more than diamonds. You are everything to Him. He died for you.

I died for you, child.

He wants you to know that. Wherever you are. Whoever you are.

Peace to you.

Grace.
Mercy.
Love. His love. Not the world's version of love. His love.

Change and Packing

2010-01-23T00:18:00.000-08:00

I distinctly remember sitting in this exact chair by the computer, telling my husband that I didn't feel content. I wanted to be at peace, yet it seemed as though something needed to change. I wasn't sure what that was: my job, our family, our house-I just couldn't pinpoint it. As I described this to one of my friends, she said, "Wow, this reminds me of Joshua, crossing the Jordan." I just kind of looked at her blankly because I didn't know the story. Well, I do now. I've read it, meditated on it, and thought about a few hundred times since then. We have seen the result of what God has been whispering to us very clearly over the last few weeks. Here's the rundown:

Referral of Babies-October 26 (change of family)
Sell car-buy van-Jan. 9 (change of car)
Negotiations underway for sale of home-Jan. 22 (change of house)
Last day at current job for a while-Jan. 26 (change of job)

So, one month and much has changed. I told God many times that I was ready to cross, to cross to the other side. I didn't know what it meant, I just knew He was calling us. I still don't know fully all that it means, but I'm excited to see where He leads.

We're in the midst of packing for our trip to pick up the babies. We leave in less than one week-wow.

I'm so thankful. It's the only thing I can really say. I've tried so many times over this last month to verbalize to our friends, coworkers, family how thankful I am that they have come along side us in this journey. It has been nothing short of a miracle to see how God has worked in others' lives and our lives over the last year.

Praising God that He never changes, for being our rock.

Missing Casa Bernabe

2010-01-15T21:16:00.001-08:00

I'm missing Casa Bernabe tonight. I miss the faces. I miss walking into the baby house and touching the babies. I miss this amazing feeling of being enveloped in the arms of God through children. Perhaps it's my babies I'm missing. Perhaps it's the devastation in Haiti. I want to do something, but I want it to be purposeful. I want it to be God working through me, prompting me, leading me forward. I'm thinking back to little Carlos, who I had the honor to carry to church at Casa Bernabe. I keep thinking...he went home. He went home. And for Gabriel. Gabriel who went home to his family in July 2008. He went home. But this isn't the reality for so many children. They'll never go to their earthly home again. How Lord? Show me how to love these children as you love them. Not with words, but with actions. Orphanage. Love. Mission. Life. Do something. You have one life to live. The way you live your days is the way you live your life. It's what's on my heart, and it needs to come out.

I realize I'm rambling. Perhaps I'm tired. Perhaps I'm overwhelmed with a flood of emotions. Thanking God for the ability to type and get out some of the stuff crammed into my brain.

When I was at CB this summer, there were many times that I felt as though I was on an "observation" mission. I can't really explain it, other than to say, there was so much activity going on around me, and I would just observe. I was learning. I was learning of how things were working together. I watched the missionaries. I watched the house mothers. I watched the cooks. I watched everyone. I described it as feeling as if I was "home". Though, there was a nearly numb feeling I experienced the entire time I was there. Everything was so raw. So in-your-face. I didn't have to talk so much about love those days. I lived it. I was able to love without any expectation of receiving love back. I remember when little Ana Carolina came and sat on my lap. There has always beeen something about her from the time I first saw her picture. Her eyes grabbed me every time I looked at her. And when I was at the orphanage, it was the same way. However, at first, she wanted nothing to do with me. Which was somewhat odd, as most of the children were eager to play with anyone and everyone. She was reserved. On one of the last nights, Jim and I went to the toddler house. This is where Ana Carolina was. As we were playing with children, she sat down on my lap, and I caught my breath. I don't know why. There's just something about her. We have named our daughter Ana,though she goes by Carolina. I don't know the connection, but there is one there.

I must go to bed. It's getting late, and if I don't get some rest, I won't be able to do devotions before C and J awake in the am.

Haiti, Update, and Other

2010-01-15T02:27:00.000-08:00

First, praying for all in Haiti and those waiting to hear word on loved ones.

Prayer request: There is a paper needed at the US Embassy in Addis Ababa by USCIS here in the States. Please pray that it gets there smoothly.

We are not frantically packing, as I thought we might be. Much to the dismay of more organized people, our suitcases are in the attic, and they are EMPTY. We've not packed on thing. The babies' cribs are full of things we plan to take for them, so that's a good thing. We leave in two weeks. It's okay, though. We plan to pack lightly for ourselves.

We have shown the house quite a few times over the last few weeks. We currently have an offer and another family is coming to look at the house for the second time today. Praying and Praising God. Also, sweating like a madwoman as I run around cleaning up our home for millionth time this month...slight exaggeration, and actually Jim did most of the work on this one.

We sold Jim's tractor and purchased a van. Praising God for his guidance with this. The kids LOVE it. Because they love it, it makes me love it all the more.

Some friends are throwing us a shower this evening. The only thing they've told us is that our friends Megan and Ken will serenade us with a rendition of "Islands in the Stream"-can't wait! They are singing maniacs :-)

I will be done with work in 6 days. I had a moment as I sat there yesterday, thinking of my students. I realized for the first time how much I will miss them. I mean really miss them. They bring so much joy to my life. They're so funny. So sweet. They're like little golden retriever puppies...they just love you and love you and love you. They keep you young. It's like reliving your childhood all over again some days. You even start to think like a first grader. I find myself laughing at the oddest things. I remember when I first started teaching this grade level, I thought they were a rare breed. They laughed when things fell off the wall, I tripped, said the wrong thing, etc. Now I find myself laughing along with them. Crazy.

And then there's my friends at work. Words can't express what they mean to me and how much they encourage me. I trust the Lord and His best for all of us. It just doesn't take away the "I'll miss them" factor. However, God has provided an awesome new teacher for the students and a wonderful lady to add to mix of women at work. I'm so thankful for His hand in all of this, down to the last detail.

When we started the adoption journey, I had NO idea it would be like this when we brought our babies home. Actually, I didn't ever think we'd actually bring babIES home. Always thought it would be one. I know I've said it a lot in this post, but seriously, just praising God for His goodness. It's not been easy. I could write a year's worth of posts on the struggles and things we've learned along the way. We've learned, however, that God is Faithful. He is always with you, no matter what comes along.

A wonderful friend sent this to me today. How did I miss these verses??!!

"When the disciples heard this, they fell facedown to the ground, terrified. But Jesus came and touched them. "Get up," he said. "Don't be afraid." When they looked up, they saw no one except Jesus. ~Matthew 17:6-8

We have travel dates!

2009-12-28T16:50:00.000-08:00

Yahooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So very excited!

We passed!!!!!!!!

2009-12-16T12:36:00.001-08:00

They are ours and we are theirs. (One day before we expected it. Amazing)

Gabriel John Kibrom and Ana Grace Feven are now Laubachs!!!!!!!!

Yahooo!!!!!!!!! Praising God.

Court Postponed

2009-12-15T11:50:00.000-08:00

Court is postponed until Thursday. Praying custody will be granted.

May it be to me as you have said...

2009-12-11T07:44:00.000-08:00

I don't know that I'm worthy to compare myself to Mary, the one who carried the Savior of our world in her womb, but I can't help but reflect constantly on the words of this song and the parallel in our lives at this time. Others wiser than me have written on this, so I hesitate to even try...

In December of 2007, at the hope of bringing Gabriel from Guatemala home, I first locked into the words uttered by Mary as the angel Gabriel came to her and told her she is to give birth to Jesus. I remember for the first time really, being able to put myself in her place. To be able to somewhat grasp her emotions. When we first learned of Gabriel in Guatemala, adoption was not on our radar. It truly was a divine message that we were to follow God through this child. We didn't know what it meant. We didn't know if it meant he would be our son, but we knew we were to follow God as He took us on a journey that involved this little boy. So very many things have happened since and today, two years later, we wait for the homecoming of not just one child, but two. As we wait, I continue to reflect on the particular words of the song:

Do you wonder

As you watch my face
If a wiser one, should of had my place
But I offer-all I am
For the mercy-of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

I stand amazed at Mary's answer to Gabriel's words to her: "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:38) Oh to have a heart like Mary's. To have a response to the Lord's Call, no matter what He says, "May it be to me as you have said." I know the Lord has chosen me to have these two children. I know He's not surprised by anything or thinks maybe He should whip up a back-up plan should I fail. He's All-Knowing. Yet, I can't help in His presence to see my unworthiness. I suppose this exactly where I should be for I truly can do nothing without Christ.

As the celebration of the birth of Jesus approaches, I long to keep Him the focus of our time, our spending, our energy, everything. But I confess. I fail. I buy things we don't need. I expend energy to please man rather than Him. I pray that I can focus on Him. On the gift of His love. Help me, Lord, I pray. I am not worthy of your love, yet you give it anyway. Freely. No strings attached. Help me to love you. Help my unbelief. Help my insecurities and sin. Show me how to love like you.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:3,4

He is...

2009-12-06T03:02:00.000-08:00

He's BIGGER than I thought He is...

He's kinder than I thought He is...

He's more powerful. More gracious. More Beautiful.

He's not only more gracious. He is GRACE. He is MERCY.

He is FAITHFUL.

He's not only better. He's GOOD.

He's not only powerful. He's ALL-POWERFUL.

He not only knows a lot. He's ALL-KNOWING.

He is HOLY. He is INFINITE. He is TRUTH.

He is PERFECTION. He is a CONSUMING FIRE.

He is LOVE.

The heavens can't contain Him. He breathes the stars into the sky. He knits us together in our mother's womb. We can never go anywhere He isn't.

He is UNCHANGING. He is I AM.

I've only caught a glimpse of who He really is.

Go ahead, ask Him, "Who are you, Lord?"

Thank you, Lord, for answering when we call. Thank you for showing us who you are. We make you so small. We enlarge ourselves in our minds. Forgive us for our arrogance. I pray for you to continue to show us who you are and in turn, whose we are. May we TRUST You and you alone. Amen.

Beautiful "Waiting" Quote

2009-12-05T13:23:00.001-08:00

I found an amazing quote on another Momma's blog. You can check them out HERE

"Waiting on God isn't to be viewed as an obstruction in they way of the plan. Waiting is an essential part of the plan. For the child of God, waiting isn't simply about what I'll receive at the end of my wait. No, waiting is much more purposeful, efficient, and practical than that. Waiting is fundamentally about what I'll become as I wait. God is using the wait to do in and through me exactly what He's promised. Through the wait He's changing me. By means of the wait He's altering the fabric of my thoughts and desires. Through the wait He's causing me to see and experience new things about Him and His kingdom. And all of this sharpens me, enabling me to be a more useful tool in His redemptive hands."

Many people have mentioned to me over the last year that they could never do it. They could never wait this long for their baby. There have been many times over the last few years that I cried out to God, begging Him to tell me what He was doing, why we had to wait so long, why the change of direction. I came to a point when I realized I loved the Spiritual Wait. The wait that is described in the above quote. I seriously dislike the wait that I create in my own mind, giving God timelines and expectations from my little view of Him. I found, too, that this WAIT does not only apply to adoption but many other areas of my life. It seems that there are times in our lives when we can learn something more of who God truly is, more readily than other times. God reminds me often that everything is about Him. Adoption, Family, Friendships, Selling Homes, Careers, and yes WAITING.

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Romans 11:36

Dove Families Passed, Update on the Babies, and Shower

2009-12-04T18:16:00.000-08:00

At least three Dove families passed court this week, two of them just finding out today. What a week they've had! Still waiting to hear from and praying for the other family.

We received a photo and medical update on Baby Girl and Baby Boy. They're doing well. They look cuter than ever. We are so ready to have them home.

My dear friends at work had a "babies" shower for us this week. It was such a surprise and so wonderful.

We have little over a week for our court date. We invite you to pray with us that all of the paperwork is in place, and we can pick up the babies as soon as possible.

On another note, I've been totally inspired by a little girl who has raised over $20,000 for her family's adoption. She has totally got my gears rolling on how to help other families who want to begin the adoption process. Check them out here: 30 Day Journey of Hope

Blessings...

Court Date!

2009-11-20T20:11:00.000-08:00

December 15.

WhooHoooo!

So thankful.

WooHooo!

2009-11-18T03:19:00.000-08:00

They're coming home. No, not our babies, but ours will be home soon.

Today I ask you to join us in praying home this family:http://kalmbachers.blogspot.com

Sweet. Praising God!

Psalm 19:1

2009-11-14T01:28:00.001-08:00

November 10

2009-11-10T01:31:00.000-08:00

One year ago today Jim and I attended our first adoption class. Today we wait for a court date to bring our babies home. Awesome. Today we are sending the first photo to our babies. Here we are...

The Story of "The Call"

2009-11-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

So...I never ever left home without my phone and made sure I knew where it was at all times. During work, it sat on my desk b/c I wouldn't be able to hear it otherwise. However, on this particular day, I took my students to computer lab and a last minute distraction (there are many in first grade :-) caused me to go to the lab without my phone. So, I'm in computer lab, and I look out the door and see my husband standing in the doorway. I seriously thought I was dreaming for a minute. I went to the door and my first words were, "This better be a good thing". He started smiling and said that "Yes, it is a good thing. We got the call." Screeeeeeeeech. Hold up! What?! The call?! I thought I would get the call. I was quickly going through the last half hour in my mind and realized that I left my phone in my classroom, so I couldn't have gotten the call. So, then I said to my husband, "Please, please tell me I'm not dreaming." These last few weeks have had me a bit on edge, waiting and wondering, and I wasn't certain of reality for a brief moment. (Yes, I'm pretty much on the edge of clinically insane at any given moment.) So, I blubbered something to the computer tech. aide that we got the call and I remember her saying "Go. Go." I kept asking if my kids would be okay, and again, she was like, "Just Go!" So, Jim and I went to my classroom and with shaking hands, crying, smiling, blubbering, we pulled up their faces. Oh. My. Goodness. They were/are so absolutely beautiful. I know. Parents have to say that, but they are. They really are. So, that's it. Jim got the call. It was absolutely amazing. Praise God!

What's Next?

2009-11-01T19:19:00.000-08:00

For those of you who don't hang on every adoption timeline or read every blog of anyone who has ever adopted from Ethiopia, you may be wondering what will happen next? Well, a lot of things are happening behind the scenes in Ethiopia and with our agency. Basically, we are waiting for a court date. If both babies pass court (while we are still here in the US), we'll travel to pick them up after that time. Several other families who received their referrals weeks before us, received a court date of Nov. 30. I have no idea when ours might be. I can't wait to see our babies, but I also know we have A LOT to do before we pick them up. HOWEVER, if someone told us we could get them tomorrow, we'd be on a plane to Ethiopia tonight :-)

Continuing to praise God and stand amazed at His truly awe-some nature and work...

"The Lord has done great things for us..."

2009-10-26T17:28:00.001-07:00

"The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." ~Psalm 126:3

Jim received the call today at work at about 12:30. He came to my workplace by 1:00. We saw their faces for the first time a few minutes thereafter.

She is 4 months old.
He is 3.5 months old.

Words can't express the thankfulness and awe we have for our Lord. They are absolutely beautiful.

We can't share information on the internet as of right now.

Blessings,
The Laubachs

Jesus said...

2009-10-26T03:19:00.000-07:00

"...You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed."

~Luke 10:41-42

Are you a little bit Christian...a whole lot Christian...what are you?

2009-10-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

Last evening, I had the pleasure of meeting a young lady that only God could have placed in my path. Through a series of small happenings, she and I had a conversation that only God could have orchestrated. She is 22 years old, and she was born with a chromosomal deformity. (If you're reading this, and I've botched it, dear one, please forgive me.) I wouldn't even mention this, but her mother explained to me that because of this, she literally is the only one in the world with this difference in her chromosomes. The only one in the world. Wow! And I met her.

So, we were sitting at the table, and everyone else was in a different section of the house. We started talking about different things: shopping, which we both agreed we don't like to do, past stories from her life, etc. I mentioned something to her that led her to say to me, "So you're a Christian?" I replied with, "Yes, I'm a Christian." She kept on. So how much Christian are you? A little bit, just some, or a whole Christian?" Ummmmm...I literally sat there and pondered the most reasonable and truthful response for a couple of seconds while she stared at me, waiting for my reply. I finally responded with..."Well, I would love to say I'm totally devoted to Christ, but I know that there are parts of me that aren't." There. It was said. It was out in the open. What parts are not totally devoted? I don't know. I will certainly be praying about it, and asking the Holy Spirit to take all of me. I once read, "Don't ask how much of the Holy Spirit you have, Ask how much of the you the Holy Spirit has." So today, once again, I pray that I would be totally surrendered to anything God places in front of me. That I would obey out of Christ's love for me. Not because I'm obligated to do so, but because I want to. Because I want to follow Him more than I want to follow anyone else.

Thank you, Lord for this sweet girl you've placed in my path. I pray that you would cover her with your love and mercy and show her that you are the only one worth following. May both of us live a life completely devoted to you. Amen

Orphan Sunday, November 8 Event: You are Invited! Click on the invitation to enlarge it.

2009-10-24T06:57:00.000-07:00

October 6, 2008...

2009-10-23T02:28:00.000-07:00

I wrote: "Lord, I cry out to you today. Show me your way for my life. My heart feels so burdened for orphans. My cry to you is that you lead me, Lord, into the ministry of caring for orphans. My cry to you today, Lord is that you will bring us our child quickly. That Jim's heart will be wide open. That our hearts will beat for orphans. I am calling upon you, Lord, to show me great and unsearchable things which we do not know. I'm calling on you to show us treasures hidden in secret places. I'm calling upon you Lord because you tell me to do so. You tell me I do not have because I do not ask. I come boldly, Lord, asking these things in accordance with your will. I am asking, seeking, and knocking, Lord. Please open the door. I submit my mind, my heart, my spirit, my will to you. In humble adoration of your greatness, your love, your mercy. I proclaim you are the Lord of Lords. You are my savior. You are my counselor. You are my Father. Amen

Today, October 23, 2009, the Lord is showing me that He indeed is opening doors and gates that no one can shut.

and Jesus said, "Did I not tell you if you would only believe you would see the glory of God?"

~John 11:40

SHOW HOPE (continued)

2009-10-20T02:33:00.000-07:00

I walked into work yesterday and my friend jokingly came to me, shaking her fist, saying "you and your darn Show Hope devotional." I gave it to her quite a while ago, and apparently she's started to read it. If you've not read it, it's great! It's distributed by Show Hope, Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman's organization. Count the cost before you read it because you will definitely be stirred to do something for orphans when you read it.

11 months ago, Jim and I went to our first adoption class. When I got home I wrote many things in my journal. Panic was pretty much the underlying theme. However, I also wrote this: "Now faith is being sure of what we HOPE for, certain of what we do not see."~Hebrews 11:1 Then, immediately after that I wrote SHOW HOPE.

PSALM 77:14 YOU ARE THE GOD WHO PERFORMS MIRACLES; YOU DISPLAY YOUR POWER AMONG THE PEOPLES.

Some of the Miracles we've experienced thus far:

~birth of our children

~our salvation

~me getting on a plane

~hearing from God

~going to Guatemala

~adopting

~adopting 2 babies

~the change of our hearts over the last few years

~love of our family and friends

show hope

2009-10-19T03:11:00.001-07:00

~the message our daughter wrote on our white board in our kitchen before going to bed last night.

Treasures Hidden in the Darkness

2009-10-17T04:21:00.000-07:00

"And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness-secret riches. I will do this so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." ~ Isaiah 45:3

This verse has meant so much over the last year. When I first read it, I knew it was something special, but I had no idea until I reached Guatemala in July of this year.

At the orphanage, I met Baby C. He was precious, and he reminded me of Gabriel. We arrived at the orphanage on a Saturday, and we went to church on Sunday. A few of us had the privilege of helping to take the babies to church. I was holding Baby C. as we were preparing to go, and one of the helpers asked if I would like to take him. What?! Me? Absolutely! They put a carrier on me, put him in it, and off we went. I was on cloud 9. I felt like I had won a precious gift. During the service, there was an experience that nearly brought me to my knees. As I stood holding Baby C. and singing praises, there was a moment that all time seemed to stand still. I was singing (trying to sing-it was in Spanish), and I looked down at Baby C. He was staring directly into my eyes. We held each other's gaze for a few moments. As I stared into his dark brown eyes, I remembered a devotion written by Steven Curtis Chapman. He talked about seeing Jesus in the face of an orphan. I got it. I knew exactly what Steven Curtis Chapman meant. I understood the call to care for orphans just a little more clearly. It felt as though I was holding and singing to Jesus. Baby C. went home with his parents the week we were at the orphanage. I couldn't help but compare his story to Gabriel's, as he too, went home with his parents. There is such joy in knowing that God has allowed you into the life of an orphan, and even greater joy to know they are able to return to loving parents. I thank God for allowing me to see these hidden treasures.

Jeremiah 33:3

2009-10-16T02:19:00.001-07:00

"Call to me, and I will answer you and show you great and unsearchable things which you do not know."

One year ago today, while walking, God told me that our children are in Ethiopia. He said, "He is in Ethiopia. She is in Ethiopia." I wrote in my journal that I didn't know what that meant. "He is in Ethiopia. She is in Ethiopia." I repeated it several times to myself, wondering what this could mean. The boy seemed to be more prominent than the girl at the time, so I wondered if he came first, then she came. Later that night, while preparing for Hope Shop, a ministry at our church, I pulled out a shirt and read the front. It read- "You have one life to live-Do Something." I turned it around and on the back, there was a map of Africa. This lead us to serious prayer about adopting from Ethiopia.

A few years ago, Jeremiah 33:3, jumped off the page of the bible and in other books I was reading. I started to see 333 everywhere. At first it freaked me out a bit, but I continually asked God what He meant by this. A while later, he clearly showed me a vision of a tree and it, it read, "Ministree 333". My husband and I have prayed about this and we believe it's Orphan Ministree 333. God is so faithful when we call to Him. He does answer. I'll be the first to admit that it's not in our timing. But our timing is so feeble. So narrow-minded. We can't see what God is planning, but His tapestry is so beautiful.

As I look back to November of 2007, when we first learned of Gabriel in Guatemala, I stand in awe of God and the truly awe-some things He's brought about and let us see and experience.

Today, we continue to wait to see our babies' faces for the very first time. Today, we have waited 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days. I am so humbled and drop to my knees in gratitude for what God has allowed us to participate in, the furthering of His Kingdom. I don't know why He chose us. I really don't. But I do know it's by His amazing grace that we are able to do so. I can't believe that I get to be the mommy of 4 of His most precious gifts.

Thank you, Lord, for all you've done and all you've yet to do. Thank you that you never change. You are faithful and true. You bring about your promises in your time. Please grant us patience as we continue to wait to see our babies. ~Amen

"It is not for you to know the times or the dates...

2009-10-14T02:13:00.000-07:00

the Father has set by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you, and you will be my witnesses...to the ends of the earth." ~Acts 1:7-8

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

~Proverbs 13:12

Waiting Mommy's Prayer

2009-10-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord~

If there is anything that I've not yet learned during this season of waiting, I pray that you would open my eyes and soften my heart to learn your truth. For I know that this season will never come again. Never again will I be waiting to see the faces of our first baby boy and first baby girl through adoption. If there's anything, Lord, anything at all to learn of you, and if there's any way to grow more intimate with you during this time, I pray You will do it.

In the name of Jesus~

Amen

Wow!

2009-10-06T02:47:00.000-07:00

I found this on Gabe's and Anna's (I know, incredible names if you know our story) site this morning, as I contemplated our wait for our babies. It's an excerpt from another site, Raw Christianity. You can go HERE to read the whole article. It's great.

This is why, at the end of it all, we want to bring the children of the nations into our family. Not so that they can grow up and live the American Dream, but so that by God’s grace they can grow up and walk the narrow road. Running water, medical care, and a sound education are precious and valuable things. But seeing the glory of Christ, hearing the good news of salvation, finding reconciliation with God, and walking in a manner worthy of the incarnate Savior of the world is infinitely more precious.

This article spoke to the things on my heart in ways I have a hard time expressing.

Blessings to all of you waiting Mommies and Daddies!!!

~Ang

House for Sale

2009-10-03T02:22:00.001-07:00

Yes. It's official. Our house is on the market. Our tractor is for sale, too.

Interested in a house and tractor? We'll make you fabulous deal :-)

But Why?The question we hear all the time

This is why:

In winter of 2007, we first started believing God was asking us to sell our house. At first, this was quite a blow. I did not want to sell our home, and Jim didn't either. Over time, we prayed about it, and came to understand that this is what we were to do. We first put a "For Sale by Owner" sign in the yard in April of 2008. Since then, we've thought we sold it twice, but neither worked out. So, last week, we officially listed with a realtor.

We're extremely excited to see what might be around the bend for us. We have no idea where we will live next. We know we want to stay in this school district for now. We know our goal is to be debt-free and for me to be able to be home with the babies. When we first started understanding that we would sell our home, we did not know this was in relation to adoption. We didn't begin the adoption of our babies until November 2008. Now, it's becoming clearer how some of the pieces are being woven together.

Some people think we're absolutely nuts, some probably think we're going bankrupt, and a myriad of many other things. The truth is that we want God to be glorified through everything. Whatever will bring Him glory through the sale of our home, through our adoption, and through our lives is what we desire to do. We are far from saints and fall short every single day. By God's grace, He sustains us.

We also hear, "But, your house is beautiful. Why would you want to sell it?" I agree. It is beautiful. I love it here. But I think the beauty I find in our home is different than what it was just a few years ago. The beauty I see now is in the sunrises, the sunsets, the hawks, the herons, the fawns, the fox...the creation that God has planted all around us. I have enjoyed the luxuries of our home: air conditioning, garage, laundry room, space, etc. But God has not called us to comfortable. Nor, has he called us to acquire more and more for ourselves. I used to try and acquire more stuff. I would think, "Boy if I just had ________, then I'd be satisfied with our home." God has surely changed my heart, and a stubborn heart it is to change.

I was having a bible study at my house one night, and I remember one mother saying to me, "You're house is so beautiful. I wish my house...." and she went on to basically say she wished here house was more like ours. It broke my heart. It still does. I resolved that I never wanted someone to come into our home again, and see the outward beauty that our culture tells us is so important. I am starting to understand more and more the verse, "...man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart."(1 Samuel 16:7)

I built our home on STUFF. I arranged it for beauty. I didn't arrange it for my family to have a sanctuary or a place for my family to just "be". I was and still am so selfish. With God's help, I pray that He will construct a new home, built on His desires. I pray that He will reconstruct my heart to fit what He has created me to be as His servant, a wife, and a mother.